The Way We Care

Or, How We Accept Care

Earlier this year I was out with a couple of friends from school. I met one of them a few days ago, so I knew what’s up with her. I had absolutely no idea about the other, I was meeting him for the first time since school. As we sipped our drinks, they began sharing life stories. He was confident about his life, including marriage, pretty sorted. I wondered, how can someone be so sorted? Then, I realised, he doesn’t feel the need to fight convention. I envied him, for a moment. When she fell apart talking about her life, he comforted her, reassured her, and the phrase that comes to my mind is, like a gentle man. I adored them, the care he offered, the care she needed. It was my turn to go next. All I said was, there’s nothing wrong in my life. I sipped the last of my drink, admitting, I know I have the power to make every single change I need, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

This scene of comfort returns to me every now and then. That’s how it’s supposed to be, right? Someone falls apart, another comforts, both feel good in the end. Yet, I couldn’t stop thinking that the scene was rather theatrical, something I have seen often on screen, read in books too. Momentarily, I wanted it. I wanted to break down as she did, and I wanted someone to show care as he did. Self-reminder: I won’t let myself be a part of it. Another scene recurs, I hear a really good friend in the past say, ‘You don’t let me care for you, I am trying here but you won’t let me.’ In that moment, I thought, this is absurd. A few years later, the truth in his words sinks in.

Recently I realised I lack the ability to say, I am not okay. I say it, but quickly, I add, I’ll be alright. I feel this need to reassure others to not worry about me, I’ll be alright. It kind of feels like self-betrayal. Why can’t I ask people to just be here? It’s not the fear that they’ll leave and I’ll have to hold myself together all over again dealing with their absence. Maybe, partially. I don’t let them because most people don’t know how to care for me. They say, they’ll be here in lows but they don’t see the low. I don’t break down often, and when I do, I push people away, because the sheer helplessness in their eyes haunts me. I don’t want to make them feel bad, they have their limits, I know. I wish they could draw the line too - something that I always tell people while discussing mental and emotional health. Don't make your helplessness take the centre stage when someone is suffering from something you're an outsider to.

It took me a really long time to understand, like love, people care the way they understand caring. I know people who’d be happy if their dear ones ask them about food, what they ate, what they did - questions that annoy me. I don’t care about food if there’s a book or a piece of writing I want to share, or my tiny wins every day or an oh so amazing thought I had. When people don’t see what I want to show, that makes me reject the care that comes my way.

When I listen to people tell the stories that involve me in some way, I see care there. I know they care(/d). Just that there’s a gap between giving and receiving. It becomes really important to bridge that gap (or even simply understand the presence of it). It is okay to let people know how to care for you while also letting them care in their own way. For example, I told my mom that she has to let me cry, when I am done, she can ask me about it/talk about it/reassure me. But not while I cry, I don't want to hear - don't cry, everything will be fine. I need to clear my head to move forward. Crying is an immediate outlet.

Communicating the gap helps a lot when two people reach the stage of acknowledging the gap in the first place. With them not being in the same place, it’s like talking to a wall. I’d say I hate it but then,  many people find it difficult to convey they care, but they do listen and make changes in little ways. I am in a place where I am open to having the difficult conversations. What’s the point of relationships that cannot go through conflicts? Shoving problems under the carpet never helps, and frankly feels like disrespect to the relationship itself – is something that you’ve built so fragile that you cannot express yourself? I sound like an idealist, I know, yet I wouldn't say it if I didn't follow it. 

I understand, at times, we are confused, conflicted within, and choose our peace of mind over others. I think it’s alright to do that. Hell, I did that at 16 without even understanding what and why I was doing it. I can connect the dots now, looking back helps. But the thing is, we live with the loss of others then. It’s not okay but we learn to live with the consequences of our choices, and they get to make their choices too. We live with that too.

If you feel uncared for, talk to your people or communicate in some way. You know your relationship better. If you can, observe them too. See how they light up doing something for you. If it doesn’t work for you, let them know so, and inform them what you’d like instead. And, if you’re on the receiving end of the talk, listen, question, see, convey your sadness, but don’t get offended, maybe. Bridge the gap, always. Also, a trick that I have learnt is, people listen more if you listen to them first. Fill the pot in a way, before taking something out. 

They are fighting similar battles, believe it or not. I am not saying we can understand each other’s loneliness. I believe we can acknowledge being in our dark rooms, knowing we cannot feel each other’s chaos, but we are just there, side by side, in a similar room, tower, or boat. Never the same but similar. And, silence is a way of communicating too if one knows how to listen to it. Look at the whole picture. I know it takes a lot of time to build empathy and compassion, sadly enough. We have been fed ideas of love where people know each other inside out, and I think that’s really problematic. Normalise not knowing everything but learning more about people we love as we grow. In some cases, CALL IT ROMANTIC! I mean, it’s not so irrational, is it? Unconditional love, support, and care take time, and often begin with many conditions.

Ps 1. It's honestly too much for one person to be everything, we need different relationships to live a whole life. And, relationships based on interests go a long way, rather safely. :P 

Ps 2. There are situations in which people cannot care, they want to but they can't, there's a gap too. Remember who they were before, and hold on to them as they push you away in the ugliest possible way, if you can. They are not taking you for granted. Sometimes, they are just trying to protect you from a self they don't understand anymore. 

Ps 3. There are so many exceptions and counter arguments in my head, how does one fit them all in a blogpost? Like, how!?