The Unforgettable Desire

It is the year when breathing became a conscious act. It is the year in which one July evening I failed to feel my body for more than 30 minutes. In those minutes, the knowledge of my existence was terrifying. It was then that I knew I had to slow down, I didn’t know how to. I like the rush, you see, the rush of waking up to something new every day. Monotony, I don’t know how to live with that. Eventually, I got bored of staying in bed on days when I couldn’t get up. It is the year when I began seeing my life in terms of 365 days. Before 2018, a new year only meant writing the wrong date for at least one month. This year, however, has been about having symptoms of depersonalisation and derealisation, anxiety attacks, and shattered emotional and mental strength. It has been about accepting that things aren’t okay within. It is the year of losing people, relationships, and self. It has been about feeling empty and not being okay with it. It has been about drowning in a sea of

In November-December 2017, I was doing an internship at Orient BlackSwan, Hyderabad. As much as I loved the work-environment, I hated the idea of being there from 9.15am to 5.30pm. I hated the idea of restraint. I felt caged although I was completely free within the walls of the office and had unlimited access to coffee. While doing my rounds in all the departments, I got a chance to interview a marketing executive who was in charge of briefing me one afternoon. He seemed friendly, so I asked him about how he ended up at OBS. Earlier I had interviewed one of their cartographers who was kind enough to tell me his journey from civil engineering to cartography. When the marketing executive completed his story, I asked him, ‘if not this job then what would you have done?’ He laughed at my question. He said, ‘I am a Tamil Brahmin. I should want to start my own business, but I am content with this nine to five job, the company takes care of my family, I would never trade this job for anyt