The Unforgettable Desire

 I am probably saying this one last time: Bad things happen, life is unfair. People describe their experiences of suffering from anxiety that make it feel like a collective experience. Just that, they don’t stop a certain section of their life, they aren’t paralysed from shock, unable to comprehend their life. Their hearts race, my heart felt like it’d stop any moment, as if I was physically dying from the inside. Now I tend to not speak about it, all the place-time displacements, and actions based on made-up scenarios in my head. Sometimes I miss the multiple voices having a roundtable conference inside my head, afraid that I lost my ability to express, to write, when I killed them. I often wondered in the year gone by, was it my madness that brought me stories? I spent months in silence, looking for words that used to flow like blood through my veins. I did the only thing I could do then, in my search for words, I read. What is the point of reading so much? I don’t read so much.

  When identity politics begins to seem overwhelming you enough to want to get away from it entirely, the go-to book is The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune. It’s a go-to book on any bad day when hope seems too far away, life doesn’t make much sense, meaninglessness reigns, and peace is forgotten. To me, it was a return to the real world, a world I had shut myself away from because it seemed too cruel and hopeless to change. It was a resurrection of faith in kindness. MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT Linus Baker works as a caseworker at the Department in Charge of Magical Youth. He visits orphanages for magical children, interacts with the masters of the place, and at times, with children if needed. He files a report recommending whether the orphanage should remain as it is, or be shut down. He lives a quiet, solitary life, abides by RULES AND REGULATIONS of DICOMY. He is so good at what he does that he is selected by the Extremely Upper Management for a highly classified job – to be a ca