2018 – the Year of Lost and Seeking the Courage Within to be Found

It is the year when breathing became a conscious act. It is the year in which one July evening I failed to feel my body for more than 30 minutes. In those minutes, the knowledge of my existence was terrifying. It was then that I knew I had to slow down, I didn’t know how to. I like the rush, you see, the rush of waking up to something new every day. Monotony, I don’t know how to live with that. Eventually, I got bored of staying in bed on days when I couldn’t get up.

It is the year when I began seeing my life in terms of 365 days. Before 2018, a new year only meant writing the wrong date for at least one month. This year, however, has been about having symptoms of depersonalisation and derealisation, anxiety attacks, and shattered emotional and mental strength. It has been about accepting that things aren’t okay within.

It is the year of losing people, relationships, and self. It has been about feeling empty and not being okay with it. It has been about drowning in a sea of terrifying hollowness and constantly struggling to feel something like love and empathy. It has been about being helpless with a lot of concern and care for people who matter and have been lost in the process. It has been about desolation. It has been about losing the overly ambitious self entirely to give rise to patience.

It is the year of letting go of responsibility of things out of my control. It has been about knowing that I can do everything in my power to set things right but things can go terribly wrong. It has been about realizing that a plan without a system to work with is bound to go haywire. It has been about accepting that my ambitions need guidance and forces beyond my will.  It has been about making conscious efforts to survive one day at a time, with purposes cut down for a few minutes and then hours.

It is the year when faith made a comeback. It has been about trying to stay calm and letting grief take a toll. It has been about taking a back seat to watch my beliefs and principles fall apart. It has been about trying not to give in to the urge to make things happen. It has been about slowing down tremendously, giving up on trying to prove myself to the world, and letting faith in cosmos take the driver’s seat in my ride without a sharply-cut destination.

It is the year when healing became more important than moving on. It has been about convincing the self that life doesn’t end at 24, there are more years to come. It has been about shutting everyone out and discovering the path to self-healing. It has been about rebuilding the lost strength. It has been about carefully trying to believe that things will take a turn up now that I have reached the lowest low in my life so far.

It is the year when exhaustion was the only constant. It has been about finding the former self in crumbles, waiting to be put together again, and rising up alone. It has been about being grateful to everyone who listened and realizing that sharing isn’t an act that helps me grow. It has been about discovering that I seek no solution outside, but talking helps process my thoughts. 

It is the year when I was destroyed in ways I hadn’t imagined. It has been about making ‘rising from ashes’ more than just a cool phrase. It has been about knowing the difference between instinct and wishful thinking. It has been about taking long pauses. It has been about waiting without ceasing to live each day. 

2018 is the year when breathing became a conscious act. It has been about letting go of the need to make people stay. It has been about trying to let go of the fear of abandonment and the feeling of being not good enough. It has been about taking the power away from words and balancing actions and words without being blind. It has been about being lost and seeking the courage within to be found.