Unfixed

“When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need…”

She broke down in the middle of the road, managed to drag her body to the pavement by the side. The passersby saw the tears that streamed down her face. And the voice on the other side of the phone said, why do you always need someone to be there for you? She wanted to shout out loud, because I am failing to pull myself together on my own. I am trying. But I can’t. Instead she stayed mum. People had always tagged her brave and strong. People still do. But even the strongest heart has its secrets.

Secrets. Not one. Not two. But a number of them. Piled up against the mask of cheerful laughter and optimism, her secrets were the wounds from childhood to the adulthood. From the emotional torture to the physical exploitation. She wasn’t responsible for what shaped her life, her thoughts. Or maybe she was. Nobody taught her how to deal with the conflict between her parents when she was merely eight. No one told her how to deal with physical abuse when she was twelve. No one taught her how to deal with the ignorance of her lover when she was twenty one. And she lived with the pain, not knowing who to talk to. More importantly, not knowing what to tell.

There used to be a time when no one could see her cry. But the burden of other’s mistakes was so heavy on her life that she cared no more. She lived in denial as long as she could. Preoccupied with the thoughts of loneliness, she now yearned for someone like her. Someone who might understand her need to cry, her need to break down, her need to not put up a strong face for a moment. There are many like her but none for her. People are wounded but they like to vocally publish their own version of self-help book when all one needs is for them to listen.

Things will fall in place. Things will be okay. Someday. Said everybody. She believed, things aren’t even supposed to be okay. The people who left the scars on her soul aren’t even aware of it. And even if they were and felt the need to help, there is nothing they could have done. Because the scars are protected by time. And we haven’t yet discovered a space where time and love could just be dimensions.

“…Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you…”