November 3, 2012 – One of my
childhood buddies says in a phone conversation that I have become boring and I
smile admitting it. I wish I were hurt but I wasn’t. I knew exactly what he was
talking about.
There’s always something wrong
when a 24*7 chatter box slows down suddenly but there’s nothing wrong if the
same happens over a period of time, or so I would like to think just to avoid
the endless number of questions in my mind. I was the kind of girl who would
never let anyone speak as long as what I want to say isn’t out of me. Today, I
am the girl who wouldn’t speak even when there’s a need to speak. People who
haven’t talked to me in a while and have known me since long would be shocked. It’s
really hard to believe that I talk less these days but no matter what this is
the truth. It’s the reality which is hard to accept even for me. It’s not only
in terms of talking but also in terms of being an extrovert. Again, I used to
be the girl who used to step in home because she had to and now I have numerous
excuses to not to leave my room. At first I thought I was becoming lazier but
now I find that I have no interest at all. If something crazy was to be done, I
was always a part of it but now nothing makes me want to be crazy. Making friends
wasn’t ever a tough job but now there’s hardly anyone whom I would consider
friend. Why??? I am searching for the answers too.
Change of place can be a
factor but it should have made me more active than lethargic because I landed up in a place where I always wanted to be. Why do I always
have to respond in an opposite way? (Opposite as in the way which I think isn't normal.) Since last three months my brain has been bombarded with all types of
weird questions and there is never an answer. It is said that confusion always
leads to clarity and here there’s no end to confusion. My mom says this phase is quite normal for
there are a lot many changes going on in and around me. This really makes me
feel better…a lot. She then adds that this period can end tomorrow or last as
long as a year or at times more than that. This makes me feel worse but at
least it will end.
If I were given the freedom
then probably I would have ended up screaming, shouting, dancing like a duck,
singing like a frog, laughing till I am in tears. I wish I could add getting
drunk but then I know I won’t be able to do it… not now at least. I am so
frustrated with all these changes that I would drive myself really crazy and
land in a mental asylum. But somehow people here make me resist myself. I am never
comfortable and that’s just because of me. Having joined the dramatics society of my college helps a lot. No matter for what reasons I am there with my low confidence level, the time spent there is the only time when I actually find myself happy. May be because I am doing something which has been on my to-do list since I was 9. I have been thinking when was the
last time that I thought before doing something crazy in my friend circle back
at home. The word HOME makes a hell lot of difference.
So here I am, fighting the
changes in a hope to find a way out. From chatter box to being silent, from extrovert
to introvert, from sweet to rude, from interesting to boring, from all time
smiley to all time angry; the one thing that remained unchanged is the confused
thinking soul within me.
One thing that I would like to
add:
Dear people who have known me
till I turned 18, please don’t think that I am not interested in your life if I
just respond by some “ohh(s)” or “hmm(s)”. I listen to you with the same interest
as I always used to. I agree that I have been quite careless in taking your
calls or replying your sms but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you
anymore now that I am away from you. Please keep up with me, I’ll be back soon
because I’m not loving myself now as much I used to. Of course, I miss you :P
And
Dear people who have come to
know me after I turned 18, just hold on a while and hopefully you'll come across a girl you never thought I could be ;-)
PS- Dear readers, if you
thought this was going to be something interesting then probably you did not
read the title correctly. When a boring soul blabbers, it’s never much
interesting. I am sorry to have wasted your time. But if you could suggest anything that would help me then I would really appreciate it. Anyway, Thanks for reading.
:P
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