The Unforgettable Desire

Or, How We Accept Care Earlier this year I was out with a couple of friends from school. I met one of them a few days ago, so I knew what’s up with her. I had absolutely no idea about the other, I was meeting him for the first time since school. As we sipped our drinks, they began sharing life stories. He was confident about his life, including marriage, pretty sorted. I wondered, how can someone be so sorted? Then, I realised, he doesn’t feel the need to fight convention. I envied him, for a moment. When she fell apart talking about her life, he comforted her, reassured her, and the phrase that comes to my mind is, like a gentle man. I adored them, the care he offered, the care she needed. It was my turn to go next. All I said was, there’s nothing wrong in my life. I sipped the last of my drink, admitting, I know I have the power to make every single change I need, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. This scene of comfort returns to me every now and then. That’s how it’s suppose...

“At times like these when life is getting me down And world seems like it’s gonna end-ship There’s atleast one power that we both still have And that’s the power of Friendship." - Duet, The Flash Two and a half years ago I began deconstructing the idea of the friendship that I so strongly believed in while growing up. I had put friendship on the highest pedestal of relationships. With the deconstruction, I am now convinced that I no longer have friends. I have people with whom I bond not as a whole but in pieces. A few days ago, when my brother asked me whether or not I have that one friend who I can tell everything that’s going on within me, I told him, “I have no one. I deal with my problems alone, because that’s how it’s always been for me.” Then I added that I have some people but I don’t really share all my problems, I sort of never have had. I had stopped thinking about friends or the lack thereof till last night when my first roommate, after I moved out of ...

SHE: 6 घंटों में सुबह होगी   दिन भर फिर तुम्हे वही एहसास होगा   जो रोज़ होता है   और फिर तुम रात में सो जाओगे   कि  कल शायद कुछ अच्छा होगा   कोई शायद कुछ अच्छा कहेगा  

When we look back into the past, we divide our lives into phases. Be it a life of 25 years or 70, we phase it out. Certain things trigger the memories of these by gone days in a way that the nostalgia denies to move on till we have revisited the romanticised version of the then reality. It can be a morning bus ride to college. It can be a walk down the street. It can be a phone call. It can be a random thing that screws our mind up in an otherwise perfectly sorted present. It can be anything.

Oftentimes when I talk to my friends from the previous college, they ask me, you are Akankshya, you always loved living alone so why is Hyderabad making you so miserable? And I say, Not Again! In Delhi, I spent so much time with people that I needed some alone time. In Hyderabad, I spend all my time with myself apart from a few days in a month and let’s admit it; I am a really boring soul. So for the last six months, I have cribbed about not having a group of people to hang out with, to share a pizza, to roam around aimlessly, to make impromptu plans because well planned ones fail, to sit around a table and have the disgusting conversation over food etc. etc. In the end all I did was torture my only best friend here, Asif, to meet me at least once a week to save the miserable soul that I am becoming!

“So you and I share the same city after five years and you feel the need to check the continuously pinging Lumia of yours?” Guiltily, I switched off my internet and put the phone back in my pocket. And together, my high school best friend and I set out to write the new chapter of my life, Hyderabad Diaries.

He- A terrible storm? She- It passed. He- A special secret place? She- It vanished. He- When I was lost..? She- Couple of weeks later I found my way. He- Something funny that happened to me... She- Is a topic I will write about when it happens. He- What I know about the ocean... She- Is nothing because i did not pay enough attention in my geography class. He- I dont understand why... She- People say love is liberating when all they do is restrict it. He- Creepy, crawly things.. She- are always misunderstood. He- Talk about being scared! She- Take chances and then there's nothing to talk about. He- If only I would have listened! She- Then I would have been society's robot. He- What I have broken or lost that belongs to someone else? She- It was his heart. He- Have I done something no one else has done? She- People keep secrets. I wouldn't know. He- My first encounter with bully She- Never had any. He- Morning madness She- Also known as m...

When you have been in continuous physical pain for 6 months, watched House MD and related to every bit about pain that’s mentioned in it, thought about the meaninglessness and absurdity of your life and lost every hope to be happy again in such a world, then you definitely have stepped into the world of Pessimism. Given my history of blogging, people find me quite optimistic. My cancer and how I fought it had been my basic topic for years, making me seem brave. But well I am not as brave as they thought. I broke down the very moment when I couldn’t take the pain anymore and my optimism lost its way through that pain. So there I was, spending most of the day in my bed, trying to stay away from people as much as possible, avoiding calls and texts from friends. This friend that I am going to write about, he found me in 2011. The journey from being strangers to closest of friends was a short one, with lots of emotional ups and downs. We shared the common interest of writing and o...

Love life without a high school romance seems incomplete, to me. Yes, my parents may not approve it but when I come to think of it, I think it is beautiful. Again, love is beautiful I have heard. I am not sure if I can say so for here I still wonder what love is every now and then. When I look back in past to the time when I was fifteen, a soft smile takes over my otherwise gloomy face. Even if I try, I cannot put myself in the shoes of my younger self. Things that now seem extremely silly, pointless and ‘cheesy’ once made perfect sense. In fact perfection had no other definition. The love songs of Taylor Swift, Akon, Enrique Iglesias, the Backstreet Boys, High School Musical were put on loop in my playlist not ignoring the hindi romantic songs like Tera hone laga hoon, tum mile, bin tere etc. Being the mediator in the then love lives of my friends, I wished for a story of my own. Trying to set one of my girl friends with one of my closest guy friends formed the base of my hi...

“Pyaar? Pyaar dosti hai. Agar wo meri sabse achi dost nahi hai to mai usse kabhi pyaar kar hi nahi sakta kyun ki dosti bina to pyaar hota hi nahi. Simple, pyaar dosti hai.” Born in the last decade of the twentieth century, I have actually grown up believing and learning this celebrated quote by heart from the coming of age romantic comedy Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. This movie is one of those few bollywood hits which I love beyond all the logics. There are flaws. I find a new one every time I sit down with my Dad to watch this movie. Apparently neither of us minds leaving work undone to watch this particular film. We make fun; we sing the songs together; we question each other on the contradiction the two halves of the movie make. We love the movie in the end anyway. A snapshot from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Image source- Google So why after 16 years am I showing my love for this movie? Because it taught me the basic necessity of being in a relationship which I see most of the re...

Sometimes it is not about the forced decent smile but the loud careless laughter. It is not about impressing each other but being exactly who we are. It’s not about expensive gifts but the handshakes and hugs that we share. It is not about talking everyday but still knowing each other well. It is not about the ‘hello’ when we meet but the familiar smile we exchange. It is not about being perfect but acceptance of imperfections. It is not about coca cola but the roadside tender coconut water. It is not about being good to each other but being the pain in the ass. It is not about the people staring at us but the madness we are going through together. It is not about being upset when laughed at but about taking the revenge without hurting each other. It is not about the handsome and beautiful but the kutta and kutia. It is not about the movie but our comments that follow. It is not about going the right way but how much we enjoy the wrong ...

Joey-Phoebe-Ross-Monica-Chandler-Rachel! Barney-Robin-Ted-Marshal-Lily! Harry-Hermione-Ron! And on and on and on. . . Can a guy and a girl be friends? My theory- A guy and a girl can be best friends as long as a confusing 'why' erupts in one's brain eventually finding it's way to the heart. "When something amazing happens, he is the first one she wants to tell. He is not afraid to tell her when she is with a wrong guy. He is the first one she calls when things are going wrong. He is the first one there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Her friends wonder why they're not together yet. He knows when things aren't right. He knows her PMS days and makes sure to annoy her the least then. He makes fun of the romantic or the mind boggling novels she reads but still respects her passion for reading. He is amazing in every single way and treats her better than any other guy will ever do. Every girl wants him but she has him." ...