The Unforgettable Desire

When a close friend made a coming out video about a year ago, I thought, “he shouldn’t do it.” A year before that video, I had asked one of my seniors from school to make a similar video because I was then a part of a storytelling club that was organizing an LGBTQ storytelling event. The thing that had changed in the span of a year is that, I had stopped looking at the LGBTQ as other. If someone doesn’t have to come out about being straight, then why should others? For something to be accepted as normal, we have to believe it to be normal. We do not live in that ideal world in my head and these stories of coming out are important, making the person along with many others accept themselves because oppression doesn’t merely come from outside, it comes from within too. Why am I talking about this? I am talking about this because I still have a smile on my face as I think about Shelly Chopra Dhar's  Ek Ladki ko Dekha toh Aisa Laga . It’s been twenty four hours since I watched the ...

In the last couple of years, a lot has changed within me -be it the perks of having a plenty of alone time or the downside of a mind that’s never without a thought. I am a person who jumped off a cliff at Rishikesh. Between the moment when I was off the rock-solid ground and hadn’t hit the water, I thought, “Did I jump, or was I pushed, or did both happen at the same time!” When I was out of the water all I could think was, “What’s the big deal about the experience? It was so tiny a moment to feel anything at all?” When I asked so to my already-experienced-cliff-jumping brother, he said, “That’s just how it is.” All I am saying is that I had a thought even in that tiniest of a second and I am unashamedly okay with it. It has been recently remarked by a dear friend of mine that I think so much that I do not let myself feel anything. I am working on those lines whose roots are as deep as the hive in S tranger Things , believe me . Having firmly established that, the one thing that...

The One who Swam with the Fishes , Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan, India, HarperCollins Publishers India, 2017, 1st edition, 152 pages, ₹250. Add caption Satyavati has long been seen as a fisherwoman who manipulated her way to the Kuru throne. A selfish unashamed woman who wasn’t satisfied merely by being the queen but made her to-be-born sons the heirs to the throne of Hastinapur instead of crown Prince Devavrata. Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan, in her The Girl who Swam with Fishes from the series  Girls of The Mahabharata weaves the story of how a fish-smelling girl of divine birth, raised in a fisher community, finds her way to her Destiny. It shows the story of Matsyagandhi evolving into Satyavati of The Mahabharata . The contemporary storytelling makes the book distinct from the poetic language of an epic. At the same time, the Vedic setting and time period isn't forgotten as the modern storytelling describes a span of year in terms of rain and that of a month in terms o...

I am the woman who breaks families. Sita, Draupadi, Helen of Troy and the likes of them, the ones who are known to have triggered wars so tragic and glorious that poets, singers, storytellers Couldn’t help themselves but keep those women alive ages after their lifetime. No war was their fault. If something has to be blamed, how about the fragile male ego? Those wars, - they were the wars of testosterone. - they were to prove the right over wrong. - they were to show the prince charming from ugly frog. - they were to let men drown in their ego. - they were to pump up the unquestioned pride. - they were to limit women into boundaries. - they had nothing to do with women. - they were about men and their conquests. I am no Sita, no Draupadi, no Helen I am a woman who breaks families, for real. I make married women from generations before feel useless. I ask them, how could they tolerate what was done to them? I ask them, why did they n...

I did not want to make this an issue about men and women. Although I do wonder if in many urban relationships, a woman usually wants to pursue her career before settling for marriage. My brother told me about a pair of his friends who were dating but weren’t 'settling'. I asked naively, “why?” He said, “one of them wants to get married, and the other wants to focus on career.” I asked again, “who wants to keep working?” He replied, “who do you think?” “Yeah, the girl”, I said.   That conversation has stayed with me for more than a year now. While career is no easy choice for anyone, is it more important to women? Does the traditional gender role make the urban women have the need to prove themselves outside home? And, because men are expected to work, does marriage becomes an easy choice once they have a job? In one year, I have heard a friend or a friend of friend, every now and then, excuse herself from marriage market because she wants to be someone before being w...

One day in my M.A. classroom, a professor was teaching Emily Dickinson’s “She Sweeped with Many-Colored Brooms”, and I was scribbling a poem of my own in the last page of my notebook. I stared up, not looking at anything in particular, unaware that my gaze was in direct contact with that of the professor. He asked me, “Do you sweep at home?” “Yes”, I replied. “Girls usually sweep”, was his response. Unable to control the rising adrenaline and noradrenaline within me, I replied without being asked, “I sweep because I live alone, I cannot afford a maid (irrespective of my issues with cheap labour), and I like a clean room. I don’t think it has got anything to do with me being a girl. I am sure, any responsible human would do so.” I do not remember what happened next as my response was ignored. I went back to writing my poem. Do you realise what happened in those few minutes? My developing sense of responsibility was overshadowed by my social sex, my gender, and its role in this societ...

[The following post is a personal and subjective take on the issue. Any offence is deeply regretted, or maybe not. Read it till the end and you might understand why. Forgive me for the irony and paradox used.] We belong to the Indian culture where we respect our elders and love the ones younger than us in our family, by default. I am simply stating a fact, without raising this culture to greatness or demeaning or comparing it to any other culture. If you are born into a conventional (Hindu, as I cannot speak for other religions) Indian family, you know you are supposed to touch the feet of the older members of the (extended) family, join your hands on the road if you meet the neighbouring uncle or aunty, share your personal belongings with your siblings and so on and so forth as gestures of respect and love. If you don’t, then either your parents are blamed for not giving you the correct upbringing or you simply become ‘that’ kid whose lack of such gestures is taken as naughtines...

He: I like Hyderabad more than Kolkata and Bangalore. But then I get bored easily. Me: Okay. He: Sometimes I get bored of being a guy. Me: Try being a duck sometime. He: Being a girl is a better option. Me: You like experimenting with yourself? He: Yes. It’s nice to doll up sometimes, who doesn’t want the extra colour in life? Me: Hahaha, yeah! He: Let me try then. ME: Let me know how it goes. He: Sure, would love to, but only if you keep it a secret. Me: Cool. No moral policing either.

Pseudo feminism, and the bastardisation of feminism has bothered me a lot in the recent times. What has bothered me even more is that how it has become the source and product of people’s entertainment. A struggle turning into a laughing stock, pains me. For a long time I thought I could not be a feminist. Why? The reason is as simple as, my father was partial towards me, following the apparent idea of “fathers favour the daughters and mothers, the sons” People have told me it is true whether or not it actually functions that way. The elders in my family till today tell me that I am my Dad’s favourite, and not always in a good way. I should be proud, shouldn’t I? But what have I done to be a favourite, born as a girl? I have always been guilty of the privilege I received at home for being the girl. And that, I thought is the reason why I believed, my brother and I will never get along. I wanted us to be treated ‘equally’. Believe it or not, I did not want to be the privileged o...

(Disclaimer: The incidents, experiences, and what may seem as ‘general understanding’ of the society is purely subjective and is written by keeping in mind the immediate surroundings of the blogger. It can seem as complete crap to some readers, and that is completely fine for their journey of growing up might have been quite different or rather better from that of the blogger. Also, the other dominant gender apart from the feminine one, might feel offended at some places, which is totally fine by the blogger for she isn’t telling their tale, but her own story. Any offence felt by anyone is not the intention of the post. Sorry. But not sorry. The purpose is simply to tell a personal tale. Please leave your comments, if you may.)

SRK movie| "Love You Zindagi"|  Alia Bhatt| Gauri Shinde. Don’t do overacting| Some romanticised concept/ optimistic way of looking at life| Don’t disappoint me after Udta Punjab | Oh, she will make it look so good. That’s how I reacted to the first trailer of Dear Zindagi . I was pretty sure that the story won’t be new. I was surer that Gauri Shinde will not disappoint me. I have watched English Vinglish a number of times. It’s in fact my go-to movie, if one may say so, when I am low. It is a movie, but it also reminds me that my understanding of the politics of a house is a general understanding, only unacknowledged by most. With that in mind, I wanted to watch Dear Zindagi , to have the feel of a Gauri Shinde film; a film which is unconventional at the most conventional points and somehow doesn’t go haywire.

Dear Misandrist Have you ever introduced yourself with a name that isn’t yours? Or have you ever felt the need to take up a name because you weren’t aware of the name given to you? Or have you ever felt like belonging to another gender when the world sees you for what your biological sex shows? Or have you ever ate daal chawal but were sure it was biryani in your mouth? Or have you constantly covered your identity with a mask? Of course, the questions are absurd. Of course, I have lost my mind. How can I be sane? ‘Feminism’ has been a terrorizing agent on the social media in the recent times. Feminism has been bastardised. Yet, I find many women introducing themselves as feminists. Just the way you did, when we first met.

O girl, dear girl, What burdens do you bear? O girl, dear girl, What stories don’t you share? O girl, dear girl, Why do you cry in the dead of the night? O girl, dear girl, Why won’t you share your plight?

When I visit my parents, I often hear the neighbours saying to my mother, ab to beti aa gayi hai, aapko help mil jaegi. Probably it is a proud moment for the entire ‘Women’ community, but personally it pisses me off. No, I do not mind helping my mother in her chores. I mind when people believe it is the duty of the daughter to do so. When asked, why not the son’s? The most common answer is, Arre wo to nalayak hai, ladke thodi samajhte hain. Personally, I believe not only this statement is offensive to men but also comments about the speaker’s failure in parenting. But then it is the socially accepted characteristics for men to be careless and women to be responsible. Yes. And if it does not offend you, then you are another deluded toy in the game of patriarchy .

Dear family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, Padosi, Dur Baithe Rishtedaar etc. If you want to be scared for my life, then please be. If you think there are more rapists than bad drivers on the road, then maybe you’re right. If you think living alone has a greater chance of me being harassed, then maybe you’re right. If you think my partying in a bar is signaling guys for sex, then maybe you’re right.

Situation 1, Friend 1: I have not have sex yet but my friends think I have. That makes me manly.  Me: Why does your ‘manliness’ needs to be defined by sexual intercourse? You are just twenty. Friend 1: I don’t define it. They do. A twenty year old virgin girl is cute; a twenty year old virgin boy is gay. Situation 2, Friend 2: I love dressing up as a woman. I want to feel like a woman. But people judge. Me: There are many cross dressers out there. I am sure your confidence will build up eventually and someday you won’t have to hide anymore. Friend 2: No, I do not want to reveal my true identity. After all, I am born a man who loves dressing up as a woman. It’s not very manly you see.