Friendship and the Lack thereof

“At times like these when life is getting me down

And world seems like it’s gonna end-ship

There’s atleast one power that we both still have

And that’s the power of

Friendship."

- Duet, The Flash

Two and a half years ago I began deconstructing the idea of the friendship that I so strongly believed in while growing up. I had put friendship on the highest pedestal of relationships. With the deconstruction, I am now convinced that I no longer have friends. I have people with whom I bond not as a whole but in pieces. A few days ago, when my brother asked me whether or not I have that one friend who I can tell everything that’s going on within me, I told him, “I have no one. I deal with my problems alone, because that’s how it’s always been for me.” Then I added that I have some people but I don’t really share all my problems, I sort of never have had. I had stopped thinking about friends or the lack thereof till last night when my first roommate, after I moved out of home, called me at two in the morning. We used to talk all night after I moved to Hyderabad, courtesy high speed wifi and whatsapp calls. We hadn’t in some time. I was surprised. Among a few things that she said, one was about not having friends.

She: I woke up this morning with the realisation that I have no friends.

I: Oh, welcome to my world. I had that morning two years ago, it was painful, I took a lot of time to get over it. I wish you didn’t have to go through it but thinking and questioning the idea of friendship helps a lot in this phase.

She: But, how can I suddenly not have friends anymore? I just don’t get it.

I: It mightn’t be sudden. I don’t even think I want friends anymore, I want girl friends maybe.

She: I don’t mind having men as friends. I mean, I had such good friends during my internship, but the only thing is, they talked to me with preconceived stereotypical notion of how girls are.

I: This is exactly why I want girl friends. I find bonding with women so much more satisfying than bonding or attempting to bond with men.

She: Exactly. It’s like some men just don’t get it at all.

I: So much for growing up with guys as close friends and then longing for girls who just get us! Somehow, I think of you every time I think of not having any friend.

She: Yeah, I think of you too. But, then that’s most likely because you are the only one who stays up late.

I: Yeah, who knew you would wake me up at 3AM specifically to confess things that I already knew. And to think, you would have left Delhi for Gujarat after first year in college.

She: I hadn’t imagined being friends with you at all.

I: We bonded because we found common ground in disliking our roommate. Otherwise, I am pretty sure you would have never spoken to me.

She: For me, you were from another planet. How can someone read so much and talk like you did! You were an alien to me.

I: Likewise. Yet, at the end of the year, I ended up saying that if I ever take a flat, you will be my first preference for a flatmate.

She: I have a condition, kitchen should be big. I am baking these days, I need space.

I: Also, a big bathroom, I am done with these cupboard sized bathrooms.

She: I want my own room too. I don’t want to share rooms anymore. I want my own space.

I: Look at you all growing up! This is why living with me is the perfect option. We will get a 2bhk, you get your room, you get your privacy. You can sleep with the lights off. I can read with lights on. We don’t have to fight about it.

She: Exactly. If you move back to Delhi, then we are taking a flat at a central spot from our workplaces.

I: Okay. We can do that.

She: But, how can I not have friends?

I: Take some time. Question what you call friendship. Think about all that you believe to be the reason for loss of friends. Just remember, no matter what every relationship is a two-sided effort. Even if it’s your fault, it’s not just yours. And, try to think what these lost friends added to your life.

She: Yeah, I guess.

Photo Credits: Priya Meravigliosa

This morning I woke up to the realisation that the only reason I don’t share my problems with friends is because my problems are usually a step ahead from the ones I used to call my friends. I never really had anyone who got me or what I was going through in that moment. I succumbed to not talking about all that’s within me. I am usually the listening ear, because when people tell me their problems, I have already been through it. I understand what they are going through and somehow have the sensibility to not say, “Why are you thinking like this? Be positive”, “Just move on” or “It happens, not a big deal”. And if I haven’t been through it, I do not react in words to their tales because I do not want to come out as an insensitive person. I don’t want to tell a person to suck it up and move on because for all I know, the person is already trying his/her best.

If someone asks me, what’s friendship, I no longer have an answer to that. My sixteen-year-old self would have proudly written an essay on the subject which perhaps is the reason why I have so much repressed anger for her. Yesterday was one of those days when I give myself the permission to remain screwed up knowing I will wake up fine the next morning. I talked to three different people without really initiating any conversation. By the time sleep took over my senses last night, I knew that even if I want friends or a big group to chill with or hang out, I don’t really need them. I have my people, who get me in pieces if not as a whole, and that’s fine by me because I don’t really think I am a complete-whole -continued-smoothly-from-past-to-present person in the first place.

Are you sailing the same boat as my people and I, a boat that has the tagline, “We are too exhausted to put more efforts but we cannot give up either”?

What is friendship after all, to you?