Comfort Blanket and Cheating

I: There’s no point in thinking why people cheat. It happens when it happens. People are just there. Most likely there’s an issue that they are avoiding to confront in their relationship or even accept. They know if it’s addressed then the relationship will end. And, nobody wants to part from their comfort blanket.

He: Exactly. I am not even guilty. She hasn’t stopped. She has cheated before. I have done it. It doesn’t matter anymore. In the beginning, I tried to be everything she needs and wants. I did everything for her, I didn't want to cheat. Now, I don't care. It used to hurt so much. I told her I'll stop if she stops. But, she doesn't. So, here we are.

She: You need to get out of this relationship.

I: I can’t even judge, honestly. I am going to assume people do the best they can in the moment and hopefully have the courage to forgive themselves when it comes to that.

She: I kind of do judge.

He: It’s the last semester. I have told her I don’t want a future with her.  I’ll let distance end it.

I: Yeah. There’s that. We are all cowards. Either we ask them to leave us or we let distance do the job. But, we never leave.

He: I’ll be vulnerable if I leave her.

She: It’s okay. Being vulnerable is okay. Be single for a while.

I: Ya, be single. It’s so important for me to have a connection or chemistry, call it whatever. I am no longer easily attracted to people.

She: Yes! I need the never ending talks! Before Trilogy has kind of set the bar.

I: I even found a guy who likes the trilogy but then, nothing. I just can’t feel it.

She: We have these parameters, no? The last guy I dated checked into 9/10 parameters. But, I don’t feel like seeing him again.

He: Because the one thing that doesn’t check out is actually what you really dislike about yourself if you think on a deeper level. 

I: Really?

He: Yes. But do all girls think like you? Because, honestly, I am here for sex.

I: How? How can you just have sex with anybody? I don’t think I can ever have meaningless sex. I need to, you know, want someone. R-e-a-l-ly want. More than that, I need to feel that I am wanted in a similar way.

She: Yeah. But, you have to get out of this drama. She is toxic. You’re always attracted to toxic people.

He: I know. I like the drama. She has always been like this. She lost her mother as a kid, everyone has coddled her in her family, her ex-boyfriend did, I did. Just six more months. It’s over after that. We have been there for each other, we have stuck together against many people. Now, if we break up, I’ll be called stupid.

She: So what!? Just because she has been there for you she cannot guilt you into staying with her. It was a choice that she made. It shouldn’t be a reason to stick to her when she is so passive-aggressive. She’s anyway talking to her ex every day, her ex’s relatives are still calling her. She is trying to control you. What’s the point even!

I: Exactly! Also, would people think it stupid or you think that about yourself? Because, often we tend to put our judgements as log kahenge.

He: To be honest, I care about my image. Just can’t do it right now.

I: Well, cheat then. You don’t care, she doesn’t care. It’s not a relationship, it’s just a comfort blanket.

He: I know and I need that right now. But, I have realised what not to repeat. I don’t let people in easily and when I do, I go too far for them. When they try to control me, I have issues.

I: I know right! I used to do that too. I was kaafi toxic. I am trying to balance it. I’ll be single for a long while I think. 

She: It’s okay. I have been single for a while now, if I don’t count this date guy.

I: It’s weird. I always assumed I won’t want to be single but I don’t think I am in a place to have a relationship. I am definitely not attracted to anyone at the moment. The physical appearance does nothing for me, it isn't even a factor. I find people hot, I acknowledge that but I am not attracted at all. 

She: I can’t get attracted to physical appearance only either. It just doesn’t work out.

He: It does for me.

I: How? How can you be with someone you cannot talk to? How!

He: Well, it’s just sex.

I: Uggh, I just cannot think about sex.

He: She used to think she’s asexual.

She: I really did. But, I am going to the sexual side now.

He: I told you, you would. You have it in you!

She: Yeah, okay.

I: (as if blanked out) Sex is a really nice thing.

He: What do you mean, sex is a really nice thing!?

(laughter)

She: Quote circa 2019 by I, ‘Sex is a really nice thing.’

(more laughter)

I: Whatever! I just cannot have sex without chemistry. The person I am becoming, I am not even sure if I can love people. I think I fall in love with the way I describe them, with all their tiny details. Bah! I'll probably get married in five years or so. Not sure how that's supposed to help.

She: Well, he’ll definitely marry his girlfriend! Because, he won’t end it!

He: No, pakka. It’ll end after six months. I’ll move to Mumbai.

I: Till then you’ll keep cheating?

He: Yeah.

I: Don’t get into a relationship, no. Yesterday ABC said that cheating shouldn’t even be a thing. Everyone should have open relationships.

He: Fir?

I: Nothing. I just told her that’s called being single and not committing till both are on same page. Most people are rushing to fuck. They also want to share their emotional baggage with the same person. But don't want to be in a relationship while their partners do. Nobody's on the same page anymore.  

She: We have had such nice relationships early in our lives that they have set really high bars.

I: I know right, my high school romance was so good! 

She & He: Exactly. Mine too.

She: (mocking) But he’ll definitely marry this girl.

He: No, I’ll find different people in Mumbai for post-break up comfort.

I: (joking) Ya, you’ll be all, ‘you know my last three girlfriends have been toxic and shit.’

He: Yes, exactly!

I: Wouldn’t that lead to rebound? I mean, I am extra cautious about not making break up the reason to bond with someone. It’s just. . . I don’t know.

She: It’s not always a rebound. XYZ and I bonded over his break up and we had a good relationship even though his ex-girlfriend used to be a good friend of mine.

I: You have a really nice story there.

She: Exactly. Sometimes you just connect with people.

I: I have had an amazing romance, a great comfort blanket, and a soul-filling emotional connection that I don’t think I’ll have again in future. Feels like I have had it all at one point or another. Now all I have is myself.

He: I have had only toxicity in a long while.

Photo courtesy: She

She: Arre scan this crowd, find a toxic girl and let her know you’re here till January first week and would like to have sex!

I: Oh yes, please do that. Is your radar working? I don’t have drama in my life, could use some from yours.

He: Arre bilkul, pakka!

He laughed. She laughed. I laughed.

- Not so juicy snippets from aakhri shaam at Jashn-e-rekhta 2019