The Unforgettable Desire

Scattered thoughts, piled up emotions, unsaid words, unheard pleas, silent screams, loud whispers, gambled heart, caged mind, broken bonds. Random words probably mean nothing, nothing at all. Or maybe they tell an entirely different story at once. You know something is wrong if you’re working continuously but not working at all. It doesn’t matter what people around you say or feel. You’re occupied with a vision. A vision of the life you always dreamt of living but you cannot. You dreamt of being a free bird that could fly wherever it wants, wherever the need be. But now you find yourself in a cage. You struggle harder everyday to break the bars and fly out into the azure sky, you can’t. You cannot survive but you have to. You do not want to die so you need to breathe. Your dream is what keeps your heart pumping; it is hard to get what you want. You may be killed in the process but you will die with the satisfaction that you did whatever it took to turn your dream into reality. Bu...

Anything that you believe in cannot be wrong. It may seem wrong to the people around you but the way you see it, it’s perfect. Even if it is a belief in a fairy tale ending in the 21 st century. Nothing is stamped as universally right or wrong. And if you strongly believe in something, you’re not wrong. People around you may call you stupid and foolish to believe in something that they don’t think is real. But it doesn’t matter. Because you think that they are the ones who are foolish to not believe in the beautiful thing you believe in. I may not believe in marriages yet but I do believe in love, soul mates. When I say soul mates I do not mean someone you fall in love with and grow old together and remain with each other even in the graves. Who then is a soul mate according to me?  I would take the help of Elizabeth Gilbert ’s words which I strongly believe in… “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a ...

Sometimes some emotions grow with such intensity within you that they drive your mind crazy. They wouldn’t let you live. They occupy every breath, every thought, and every cell of your body that even your soul seems to be captivated by them. The emotions show up in the movie that you see, in the book that you read, in the person you meet, in the things that you hold. The more you try to hide them, the more obvious they become. All of a sudden it seems that they rule your brain. It is so frustrating that in the end it is anger that drives all your actions. The more you ignore them, the more they tend to cling to you. The more you deny them, the more intense they get. The moment you accept them, they seem to fade away. Feelings! It is the way they are, quite similar to humans. They can be natural, forced, conspired or provoked. Certain feelings no matter how good they make you feel seem to have developed within you at a time which is not quite appropriate. You do not know what ...

You know when you have read all the works of a particular author and have loved every single one of them; you look forward to the upcoming book with an excitement and nervousness which isn’t quite expressible. But of course, if you have been in such a situation, I don’t need to explain it. In my case the excitement was so deep that it made me have a sleepless night before the day when the latest book of Nicholas Sparks, The Longest Ride, was to be released. 17 th September. Though the day ended with disappointment for it did not release in India but I still waited for it, in fact longed to have it in my hands, smell the fresh new pages and get lost in the world of Sparks, his romance. On 5 th November 2013 at 5.40 PM I received a call from the delivery boy waiting outside my place for me to pick up a parcel which contained The Longest Ride. I ran down the stairs, took my parcel from the ground floor and was back in my room on the fourth floor in a jiffy. Yes, I was tha...

What annoys me the most about relationships? Or should I quote it as ‘What scares me the most about relationships? “CHANGE” One word! It seriously gets the hell out of me, when I think of the changes that relationships bring in you; when you commit to be with someone for the rest of your life, or so you think when you plan to commit. Changing into someone you’re not is unimaginable to a person like me. The idea of compromising because sacrificing doesn’t seem the right word to use when you’re in the beginning of something. Sacrifices you use when you break up – “I sacrificed this and that but you never bothered to notice them..blah..blah.. blah.” But when you’re in love it is usually the BSB playing in your head – “I will go anywhere for you…. I will do anything for you.. as long as you love me ” Getting a partner who understands and accepts you the way you are is really tough. But what’s tougher is, “If you get this someone, would you understand and accept him in the same w...

Memories are what we are left with as the time passes. Some are good and some are bad. We tend to forget some and treasure some. We like to believe that we have the power to control what we want to remember. But in the end, we have every bit of our past stored in some part of our brain, only we cannot recall all of it all the time. Ever since I started writing about my leukemia, I intended to dedicate a post to the 6-7 days that I spent in the ICU. Those days, in the Pediatric Intensive care Unit of Christian Medical College and Hospital, Vellore, are covered under a shroud of mysteries . What I remember of those days can be summed up in an hour! I spend 144-168 hours in ICU and I barely remember anything. Choosing to forget something and not knowing that something in the first place are two entirely different things, the former can help you move on and the latter one can practically drive you crazy. Every now and then I go up to my parents and ask them about those days, they...

Last night during a WhatsApp group conversation, one of my friends mentioned that he wakes up at 7 in the morning to which some replied that it’s too early for a Sunday. I was thinking in my mind that 7 AM is early for any day. I probably haven’t seen the rising sun, felt the morning breeze for some years now. As I woke up this morning, the first image that I saw in front of me was a 10 year old girl coming out of her room in a half asleep state to see her Dad at the dining table having tea, mom in the kitchen preparing breakfast for the family and occasionally calling out her son to wake up. And even though I could sleep more this morning, sleep did not come to me. Homesickness! This image has struck me on Sundays before, at least in last one year. This was it. How my Sunday began with a warm Good Morning and not a lazy I don’t want to wake up. Now when I look back this image was real, I wonder what we did waking up at 7 in the morning. I can’t think of doing anything now. A bit...

“Saw My Sister’s Keeper. Beautiful! At one point had to pause. I was crying so much. It reminded me of you. There is so much more in the world. That is heart breaking, painful, sad yet beautiful. And we cry about stupid things and useless stuff. Sometimes I find it difficult to categorize grief. It’s like – No one can ever decide what problem is big enough to cry about.. For how long! Is someone’s death the pinnacle of grief? Or simply breaking up is enough to keep crying. It is like- I can’t decide which sadness is sadder.” As soon as the motivator friend of mine said these words, I realized that I have been feeling the same way too. Lately I haven’t been able to categorize grief. Anything that didn’t happen the way I expect it to be, made me sad.  In fact I have let petty things upset me. I have shed a lot of valuable tears recently. Also I have been taking the wrong path; I have been taking the way that goes towards the left in the number line. I believed I was e...

That awkward moment when your parents say, “Beta we are your best friends, you can share everything with us.” I mean, come on, all of us have been through this phase at least once in our life. For me it’s more than once! Yeah! You can try imagining the intensity of growing awkwardness. Usually I am the ‘talk-without-thinking’ person who goes on chattering no matter what. People keep hoping for me to stop but when I do, they have a big problem; a problem which is more important than the latest terrorist attack that they won’t leave me in peace till I start talking again. I mean no one said that people who talk a lot can’t remain silent. And when they eventually are silent, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with them. Sometimes they just want to be silent. They’re tired of 24*7 tittle-tattle and they need a break. It appears like they haven’t got a brain but the thing is all the blabbering is just a wall, most of the times. Silence can haunt some people to death. People like...

Jaagi jo mai neend se Khoyi un sapno mein Saath mere jahan hai tu Haqiqat to kuch aur hi kahe... Jo yaad aate hai wo lamhe Wo baatein humari mulakaatein Muskurati hu has padti hu Aansuo ki zubaani kahani alag si lage... Jab paas mere tha tu Bhul gayi thi mai khud ka wajood Teri nazron me khudko dhundti rahi Tasveer un aankho me kisi aur ki hi thi... Jo kiya tune pyaar ka izhaar Kar na saki mai ikraar Hai teri mohabbat sacchi jaanu mai Uspe haq kisi aur ka hi hai... Chahat teri yun aadat bani Ki ab reh na paau tere bagair Keh na saku pyaar mujhko bhi hai Chhinn jaega tu ye baat aur hai... Apni mohabbat ko humne dosti kaha Haal-e-dil jaan ke andekha kiya Ho na sakenge ek dusre ke kabhi Sapno me saath hai... Bas kaafi hai..! Source- Google

It is kind of devastating when a random person walks up to you and speaks the truth you were running away from. How can a person spending most of the time of the day with you not know your insecurities but a stranger gets it. It shatters you. You thought that you had been doing your part well. You thought that no one knows what’s within you but then suddenly out of nowhere a stranger comes and asks you to answer honestly if you’re happy with yourself or not. And no matter how much you laugh in the front your face then shows the truth. You can’t meet their eyes because you’re afraid that the beans will be spilled. Or worse, you may just have an emotional break down or an outburst. Everything that you had kept hidden within you may just be found out. It’s devastating to know that your mask failed you and you did not play it well. Everything you were running away from surrounds you from every single direction leaving no space for you to breathe, to let the sunshine in. It is dark and yo...

In my one year stay as a paying guest, there hadn’t been a month when I did not say that I was broke. My roommate and I joked about how we spent most of our pocket money in the first half of the month and then spent it as less as possible because we always ran out of it. She was the one who believed in saving some part of the money every month and I was the one who believed in ‘spending everything here and now.’ Those days were fun and I never actually ran out of all the money! Even if I had just 10 bucks in my wallet I knew I could get 1000 bucks or more out from the next ATM on my way. And then a couple of days back, I lost my wallet! That, my friend, you call the moment of really being broke. That day one of my classmates lost her wallet in the bus, a week before that my ex-roommate lost her wallet too. So I thought that I should be extra careful while travelling in buses or maybe I will be the next person without her wallet. Guess what! Being extra careful actually made my wa...

A couple of months back when I was at Christian Medical College, Vellore for my half yearly checkups, my blood reports showed an increment in the normal sugar level. It wasn’t high but it was marginal, mostly on the higher side. It had been the same 6 months ago too. I had considered myself lucky enough for not getting another bunch of medicines for controlling my sugar level. But during the last meet, the doctor mentioned that if the level doesn’t come down then I may have to take insulin injections every night. Needles do not scare me, they never did. What does scare me is the thought of not leading a normal life or what I think normal to be. Millions of teenagers may be suffering from cancer in the world, but I do not really care or at least I do not want to. The happiest moment during my CMC days was when my doctor said after the treatment got over that “You’re a free bird now.” After four long years of medication, injections, side effects, it was one thing that gave me the p...

Scars! Scars! Scars! I have often heard that scars aren’t something that you should be ashamed of; they are a sign that you have struggled and survived! Scars aren’t something that needs to be hidden; instead they are something to be shown off with pride. Every single scar has a legendary story buried in it and it speaks louder than the sword that caused it. My body had several scars when I came out of the Intensive Care Unit after a seven day stay [17 June 2008- 24 June2008] which gave almost everyone around me a mini heart attack. I have a quite vague memory of those days. It would be totally fine to say that I remember almost everything of my five year treatment but almost nothing about those seven days in the ICU. People say it is a good thing. I wish it were! I keep wondering what happened to me in that chamber? My parents, when asked, say that I was surrounded by all kinds of medical equipments that they had ever seen. They did not even know what was needed for what. Ev...

The boy next door when I was four Has been around always   Doesn’t matter where he went He would pass by my door Peeping in for me to join We were friends since then Hitting each other on the face Singing the songs out of tune Hitting plans together Never had we some rest Unless we put someone in trouble The boy next door When I was easy to lure Stood by my side just in case Doesn’t matter where I went He would call me up Just to know that I am safe We were friends even then Arguing about our mates Dancing in the rain Planning dates together Never really doing our best Unless we want to piss each other off The boy next door When my heart was dead Held me tight in his arms Doesn’t matter where we went He would make me laugh Slowly healing all my pain We never stopped being friends Loving each other in the end Walking around being insane Having all the fun together Never seriously giving a da...

Sometimes it is not about the forced decent smile but the loud careless laughter. It is not about impressing each other but being exactly who we are. It’s not about expensive gifts but the handshakes and hugs that we share. It is not about talking everyday but still knowing each other well. It is not about the ‘hello’ when we meet but the familiar smile we exchange. It is not about being perfect but acceptance of imperfections. It is not about coca cola but the roadside tender coconut water. It is not about being good to each other but being the pain in the ass. It is not about the people staring at us but the madness we are going through together. It is not about being upset when laughed at but about taking the revenge without hurting each other. It is not about the handsome and beautiful but the kutta and kutia. It is not about the movie but our comments that follow. It is not about going the right way but how much we enjoy the wrong ...

It’s been a couple of days that I have been asking myself, how did I survive those months without music? May be it was last September- November, when I actually stopped listening to songs, even if I did hear them I didn’t enjoy them. I have been a music person since early years of childhood. I remember playing music CDs throughout the day during my school holidays. I solved the algebraic problems, linear equations, trigonometry etc with soft music playing in the background. The times when I couldn’t listen to the songs, I would hum to myself. Music was a necessity in my life as a kid. As a teenager, it treated me well enough. Ear phones tugged in, volume up and forget the world. I spent most of my years this way. It is always the music that first attracts me in a song and then the lyrics. If I can relate to the lyrics then of course the song ends up in my favorites list. When I couldn’t sleep at night, when I was depressed beyond expression music gave me comfort, being th...