Turning 26 - Without Guilt, With Accountability!

One would think I’ll be guilty for being happy ever since the lockdown began. I am not. At all. This is the happiest I have been in last couple of years (conferences/seminars/fests don’t count here – they are my ultimate happy places). My theory is that I am taking comfort in the fact that world is slowing down, so I don’t have to feel bad about being slow at getting my life back together. I kept rushing so much that I crashed, and now I am okay with not having everything at once, not skipping steps. In December 2018, I wrote a poem to remind myself that I am ‘just’ 24, I have the rest of my life in front of me. So, I can take ‘crashing’ in consideration, look back at my life, and evaluate why I crashed, instead of simply living with the guilt of ‘failing’. Failing at a life that I dreamt of as a kid.

When I turned 25, I switched off my phone by midnight. I didn’t need the excitement of my birthday. I couldn’t bear the idea of pretending to be someone I am not, not on my birthday. I love grand gestures and little things. I hate it when they aren’t customised. Over the years, I told people that I don’t like celebrating my birthday. Mostly, I just wanted to stop feeling guilty for not being able to appreciate what people do for me. So, I switched off my phone while having an anxiety attack, woke up crying the next morning because well I used to cry a lot, reasons don’t matter anymore. Then I just went to college, hoping to attend a class, because it was the only thing I wanted to do that day. Almost cried at the mention of transferred resentments in that class but it was okay, it was comforting. My parents asked me to order food, eat something nice. I ordered food every day, so that evening I cooked. I hadn’t eaten all day coincidentally, and by evening, I chose to believe it was a way of respecting all the dreams that are now dead. I made peace with it. It was perhaps the only birthday when I was content. Also, that day a dear friend called me different and I was okay with it. I didn’t want to be normal anymore because maybe I am not and that’s okay. 

It was the first step to get rid of my obscurus, the evil twin. Haven’t watched Fantastic Beasts? Doesn’t matter! My evil twin was guilt. I lived most of my life with it. It was awful like a leech that sucked life out of me. I was a self-destructive piece of shit with an amazing self-deprecating humour as survival mechanism. Nope, humour doesn’t show up in blogposts, you gotta meet me and tell me how freakin amazed you’re by the fact that I survived cancer! Duh uh, nothing’s free! Anyhow, if I auditioned for being a self-sacrificing protagonist in a saas-bahu serial as a teenager, I wouldn’t have got the role because I am a bad actor. But, I pretty much had the personality of such a character. Aliens watching earth as prime-time entertainment would know, you won’t because you were dealing with your shit. Wait, if you’re my mom, then you noticed and warned me about it, but all I heard was love marriages are bad. Communication is freaking unreliable!

My text-analysis skills helped a lot. If I could read Things Fall Apart thrice in a day to find the exact point when Okonkwo misunderstood the female principle, then I can definitely go through my life to find the point when guilt sunk in my veins and made itself inseparable. Almost. In doing that I acknowledged everything, accepted it and apologised for it where required without wanting forgiveness in return. I lived with the consequences of my choices realising I don't get a say anymore in some cases. I stopped the self punishment and denial. About time! Also, I held people accountable for the damage they did and never bothered to do anything about it (I get it, they haven't dealt with it themselves). Some people chose to care, some didn’t.

My year’s ending. I turn 26 and all I can think is – despite all the anger, hatred and crying, despite the failures and rejections, I didn't contemplate suicide again (which I did at 21). Mid-2018 I felt like the shittiest person personal life wise, right now I know I am kind. I dealt with my anxiety issues, I made peace with my past, forgave my younger self for doing the best she could when she didn’t know better. I didn’t know how to relax a year ago, now I keep levelling up in doing nothing, guilt free. I healed; I dealt with my past traumas. I don’t feel like a sexual object anymore and that’s huge. I don’t believe in endings, I believe in staying and knowing when to leave. I have put a couple of issues aside for now because I am not equipped enough to deal with them. Someday I will be. I have faith, and a source of strength. I have a great self esteem, for the first time in my life!

I was wondering recently, What does it take to dream again? The only answer I could think of is, leap of faith. I know I am here today because I took a chance and went to the only person I could feel safe with. I didn't know if he could help. He listened and that’s all I needed to keep going. I ended up calling him my therapist by the end of the first session, I think. I spent the last month being overwhelmed. It's just so unreal, pinch me already! I thanked everyone who stayed in my life, believed in me, in the last couple of years. The lock down gave me a good excuse to call people I would have otherwise hesitated to call. All I have in my heart is gratitude. Moreover, I got in touch with the first person with whom I had felt visible, and it’s pretty surprising. It feels surreal.

I was recently asked if I was depressed. I said, I don’t know if it was depression or anxiety disorder, all I know is I want to live again, truly, deeply, madly. Without guilt, with accountability. Is everything okay? Mostly, yes; A lot, no. But, I am not waiting to reach a certain milestone to feel worthy of existing, I am not guilty that I lived, I am not thinking about dying anymore, I am not sixteen anymore, not eight either. 

I hope you and yours are safe and sound, and I hope you’re questioning the government, looking at the rights and wrongs without being trapped in the communalisation of this freaking pandemic. I mean, I always wanted to be a part of history when I heard partition stories or those about Nehru. Clearly, I wasn’t prepared for what I wanted, woah! My favourite phrase in last six months or so is, All lives matter, some more than most. And, yes, I am aware of my privilege. 

Don’t do anything stupid, okay?

Ps 1. Music is the greatest coping mechanism ever, also helps during anxiety attacks. Grey's Anatomy helps too. :P

Ps 2. I think this is the first ever birthday post on my blog! Woohoo! But then, it is pretty exciting after ages.