"I need you"

I need you is a phrase that wakes me up early on a wintery morning and doesn’t let me return to sleep. I toss in bed, adjust the blankets. I tell the phrase, I’ll write about you in my diary once I am up. Now let me just go back to sleep. Let me just sleep. I was dreaming, mother was buying a set of bangles and they were mostly broken. She held two in her hand, told the shopkeeper that she’ll take them. I wondered, is this really important?

One year ago I lacked the ability to get out of bed. I saw no point. I was convinced that I couldn’t serve anyone. More importantly, no one needed me. What was the purpose of waking up then? Why could I not sleep forever? No one needs me. No one understands that I need to be needed. There has to be a reason, something I wake up to, something I look forward to. I don’t recall most of it, the days were all the same and nights... nights were quiet. Everyone went to sleep and then, I was fine.

I pull the blankets over my head. I cover my ears but the phrase won’t leave me. A couple of friends recently told me, ‘I need you’. One complained, ‘My boyfriend doesn’t get it why I don’t want to join a gym.’ She talked about microaggressions – but of course, she doesn’t know the term. I asked, ‘Why don’t you explain this body shaming to him exactly as you did to me?’ ‘I did, he didn’t get it. So, I told him that this is the reason I need A in Delhi.’ I smiled and let the conversation be. Someday he will understand that listening is more important than providing solutions, listening makes her feel seen while solutions dismiss her experience.

Another mentioned she had the talk with her boyfriend. She said, ‘He doesn’t get why I have to talk in lengths about a few movies, he doesn’t get why I prefer to text and I don’t tell him the things that you and I share and I told him that. He wishes I shared them with him.’ I sighed. This shouldn’t be a factor in a break up. A romantic relationship shouldn’t have to compete with friendship. I tell her, it’s alright. In some cases, there’s a hierarchy: Boyfriend trumps friend and best friend trumps boyfriend. We often fail to understand this. Why is it that we want all our relationships with different people to be same?  

I didn’t draw validation from their statements, so why do I keep going back to them? My existence didn't look for a purpose in them. Why do I keep going back? Muffled voices try to reach me, I put the weight of my arm on one side and cover the other ear with pillow – blankets aren’t enough. A male voice questions, 'So you’re saying you don’t need me but you want me? You can dispose me anytime then! I can’t do that, I need you.' I close my eyes harder. I can fall asleep again. I want to sleep, I’ll write about it in a few hours. I won’t forget. I see my puzzled face, a blur. I don’t want to talk. I curl my lips inwards. I hear his voice again, 'Oh so you need me but I want you, I choose you every day while you’ll just leave me when I am no longer serving any purpose.' He is using my words. No, not using, he is manipulating them. My voice tells him that last time he wanted to hear that I need him and was angry when I explained what wanting someone means and that it's a good thing. He is angry still. His face dissolves in air. My face has a definite shape, it’s scared. 

I open my eyes. I scroll through recent chats. Did I tell anyone that I need them? No, no... I didn’t. Why won’t the phrase leave me? I hear mother say that she can wear the couple of bangles tomorrow when they come. Who are they? I wonder how she settles for two when she wears half a dozen bangles in each hand. It isn’t my concern, so I let it be. Instead I wake up restless because I need you is a phrase that haunts me.