Ten years, Five Lessons

I hum a lot, everyone does, I suppose. In last couple of days, I have hummed the songs that had been composed by people I personally knew, which includes a couple of childhood friends and an almost. I have no idea about what they are up to these days, haven’t been in touch. Often thought about getting back together despite the circumstances of separation but couldn’t find a reason to do so. I don’t know who needs to pass the bill, but someone needs to call the useless pursuit of understanding emotions a crime punishable by death penalty for people like me to stop. Useless, because, after all these years of ‘observing’ and ‘experimenting’, all I know is that even if we get rid of social conditioning (if that’s possible), there will still be things beyond our understanding. Maybe even centuries of philosophies later, we still have not figured out a way towards deciphering human emotions or maybe women weren’t working on it before (seriously!). I am going to call it a good assumption.

Here are five lessons that I learnt in ten years.

Run the moment someone says, ‘I did this for you’

This sentence does nothing apart from activating guilt, especially when you cannot even decipher what they mean. If you cannot see how the act was good for you while you can clearly see how it was convenient for them, then just run. You can try to analyse it, believe in the best of their intentions, argue, discuss but if your instinct says something is off, believe in it. You’ll only get excuses from them. Most likely, they really believe they did it for you. Human brain is tricky.

If you’re making a sacrifice, then make sure the other person is paying enough attention to be aware of your act. Repeatedly saying, ‘I did this for you’, results in an unconscious guilt trip that later might turn into resentment, leading to the response – ‘I didn’t ask you to.’ If you don’t think the other person is responsible enough to see it, don’t do it. You CANNOT teach/change anyone who doesn’t want to. Holding on to the tiny hope, that they might learn, is powerful and pointless.

There’s almost always no point in wanting to recreate the past

I often see people celebrating alumni meet with the caption, ‘like old times.’ It makes sense when people gather, tell stories, and celebrate the bygone days. But, it might be disheartening to recreate a bond or admiration that once was especially when there has been a gap. The reason is simple, perceptions change as we grow up and old. However, if by any chance you have somehow tapped into the essence of a person, then things (or the relationship) might flourish even after the gap with a few initial setbacks. But, the essence is something to think about. I tend of believe that people change, grow, learn as much as their essence or spirit allows them to.

So, it’s always okay to miss a person without the guilt of losing touch, or the desire to get back together, or even without wanting to let the other person know. Most likely, you miss that time, pay respect to it. Smile away in those moments.

You don’t have to carry hatred if you don’t want to

I find hating quite tedious. I get angry often. Hating doesn’t come naturally. I have tried, apparently it’s supposed to help in moving on. I wonder how that works. If someone you shared a nice relationship with did something really terrible, then you get mad at them, dislike them, and leave depending on the situation. Over a period of time, you’ll realise that sometimes things happen, they don’t work out and most of the times, people are looking out for themselves. ‘I’ is not bigger than ‘we’, till it is. If situations were reversed, you might have done the same thing although you’ll never admit it. Because, well, you can have the highest of principles in imaginary scenarios and still do shittiest things when faced with it in real life. If you're sure you would have been better, then know your worth and choose better.

If the person is no longer in your life, then what’s the point of that hatred? Glow some fairy lights, listen to a few (Prateek Kuhad) songs till you’re content and then get back to whatever you were doing.

If there’s a chance at reconciliation, do you have respect and patience?

I usually dislike talking about future. It’s honestly a waste of time in most cases. There’s a certain phase after every end, ‘If only... then things might have been better’ or ‘had I done this differently, then it would have been different’. Maybe things would have been different, but there is absolutely no way of knowing. If a situation arises in the future where reconciliation might be possible, following are a few of many questions that are absolutely important to ask:

Do you respect the person?

Do you respect the relationship you once shared or are planning to restart?

Do you share a common goal with the person, in terms of what you want from this reconciliation?

Do you have patience to communicate and rebuild something knowing it won’t be an exact copy of the past?

Missing someone, pining for them can be painful. But, that’s never a good enough reason to get back with anybody. The problems that led to the separation need to be addressed by both parties with equal seriousness if they decide to get back together. I have never heard such stories so far. I have heard a lot about repressing the issues which in turn make the ‘fresh start’ a ticking time bomb.

For all you know, in an alternate timeline you did things differently. Give yourself that satisfaction. Alternate timelines, parallel earths and multiverses are a few of my favourite things in the world.

Apologise

I could go into the socially conditioned dynamics of ego and honour but it won’t make sense. The simple thing is that as much as you cannot control how the other person feels, you can always be responsible for the action that led to that feeling in them. If someone you care about is hurt, be accountable even if you feel you have done nothing wrong. Acknowledge their feelings. An apology with accountability goes a long way. It earns you the respect you might have lost. Accepting your failures and mistakes is an act of courage, everyone isn’t capable of doing it.

Sometimes you might not understand your mistakes for months or years, it might be too late to apologise to the other person who most likely might not be in your life. At that time forgive yourself for not knowing better. No matter how much self loathing goes with unsweetened black coffee on social media posts, nothing good ever comes out of it. 

LOLOLOLOL!

Does the post-title seem like a title to Mitch Albom books? Most likely it sounds like a title to self-help books – genre I dislike the most. Is this romantic irony or dramatic? Who cares! What do I know anyway? I'll probably write five points against these tomorrow. I am just a girl whose priorities are highly distorted on the verge of apathy towards her own existence. Yet, I don’t seem to run out of hope and optimism. I have recently begun to allow faith in my life, not the religious kind yet. I have a concept of god that I believe in which again isn’t the institutionalised religious kind. Mostly, I will always tell you that what you feel is okay. Because, everything passes, sooner or later. The more you try not to feel it, force yourself to get out of it, the more it sticks to you. Allow your feelings the space to live – some will make a home, some will leave in the lack of resistance.

Yes, I loved Lizzie Mcguire. I think it was one of the coolest Disney shows.



Also, wish you a very happy Diwali if you're celebrating. I really hope you aren't alone. For some reason, I cannot bear the idea of being alone on Diwali. I was alone last year, I put up quite a show for myself.