Rewiring Loneliness

A lot has been said about loneliness. A lot has been said about the difference between being lonely and being alone. I was raised in a ‘learn to be alone’ way that implied the idea of being self-sufficient. Given my childhood and teenage was dominated by my dedication to friendship, I was often asked, ‘Will any of your friends do what you do for them?’ It was based on the assumption of requiring reciprocation. I am not sure if I said it out loud, I might have, that, ‘I am not doing it for them, I am doing it because I need to do it for myself.’

A few months ago, during a conversation I asked a man if he was married. He laughed and mentioned that he is sixty nine years old. I simply added, ‘and…?’ Then he clarified that he is married and has many grand children. I understood his amusement, but I didn’t understand what age had to do with the question. A person can be widowed or divorced or homosexual or asexual or just single. Being sixty nine doesn’t say anything about his/her marital life, not in the world in my head. The discussion moved to reciprocation of love, and the gentleman said, ‘Why should someone love you when you don’t love them?’ For the briefest of moments, I doubted my theory of love and being loved. I decided to say it out loud, ‘You love someone because you do, reciprocation doesn’t change how you feel, it only decides whether or not you can act on or materialise what you feel.’ There was no response and I was left to wonder if it was an immature statement.

After years of taking pride in being alone, I can now accept that I have always been lonely. I prefer being lonely alone than being lonely in relationships that are “supposed” to take away loneliness. As a teenager, a few times I mentioned that as much as my parents are “open-minded” and “supportive”, there has been little or no emotional support within the family. I don’t quite remember how my parents reacted to it. As far as romantic relationships are concerned, I walk out of them the moment (or eventually) I have to report my hour to hour activity to the other person. I’d honestly like to kill instant messaging that’s spreading faster than a virus on all social media platforms.

In a time when my friends are thinking about and planning their wedding, I am convinced that I cannot be with a person who waits for me to be home at the end of the day to share a meal. I want to be with someone who understands what it’s like to be consumed by passion, someone who has his/her own passion and doesn’t swap it with the relationship yet respects both. A person who gets that to love means, I can live without you but I don’t want to but I will if I have to – someone who’s complete within and acknowledges the requirement of healthy support. I want a person who doesn’t put me in a box with a label and is aware that we live, speak, act in the moment and nothing is absolute. Also, s/he should know the difference between communicating and talking. As I begin this list of requirements, I hear my friends talk about in-laws, financial status and caste differences. I wonder about the fall from the world in my head into the physical world around me, where will I crash and how?

I am convinced that I might never find someone to be with; I am scared of being with someone simply for the need to be loved. I know that I have met only a handful of people. As difficult as I find it to connect emotionally to a person, I have had that connection for a few seconds. By this, I don’t mean being able to identify with someone or their story or being able to share your own. I mean, the feeling that you get when the person solves your puzzle of words said and left unsaid. The memory of it can last a lifetime. However, wanting to extend that moment only leads to disaster.

Of late a few people have told me, ‘we should totally meet.’ I am guilty of not wanting the same. I don’t feel the need to meet anyone. No matter how much I talk or listen to people, I am unable to feel what they feel for me. Perhaps, I have stopped looking for a reassurance of my being (I protest with emotional violence if my being is dismissed). So, I don’t jump in my head anymore when I find stories relatable, I know I am not alone.

For now, I believe that we have to live with (varying intensities of) loneliness and the constantly nagging sensation of being empty. The point is not to get rid of loneliness; the point is to know that we can survive the loneliness. So, when I see people unintentionally treating me as their possession, speaking for me while introducing me to others, I don’t feel the need to “correct” them. I cannot change my impression in their heads. I laugh and play along on the days when I can. On other days, I walk like a ghost hoping to be invisible while fearing invisibility.