Saturday, for Better or Worse

It’s a Saturday morning. I sit at home and exist on all days of the week. For the most part, I forget to keep a track of the days that pass by. It’s only Saturday that I check up on. I was once told that I shouldn’t start anything new on a Saturday. It’s inauspicious, the work would never be complete. Given I have been said what (not) to do, I look forward to begin everything on Saturday. I do not plan it, but find myself motivated. Perhaps the sinking realization that yet another week had passed by doing nothing did the trick.

So, if it hasn’t settled in your head – It’s a Saturday morning. My alarm went off at 5 o’ clock in the morning. I woke up at 5.30am. I decided that I should restart my morning walks, but not till another 30 minutes. I woke up an hour later. Light was peeping inside my dark room from the corner of the curtains. I looked up at the soothing light that would pierce my eyes in a few hours. I looked up and thought, “I have always taken pride in being alone but I have never truly been alone before.”

There’s no one to tell me that it’s okay when I get an anxiety attack; no one to tell me to wake up, brew coffee, prepare breakfast and study. No one to ask me, What are you doing? Did I suddenly lose people in my life? No. I just asked everyone to talk to me only when it makes sense. Of course, they are worried for me, family and friends. But, I don’t want to tell anyone how I survive each day. I eat three times a day, if not more. I drink my coffee and, at times, tea. I sleep at nights.

I have not suddenly shut people out of my life. I have only shut conversations that seem unnecessary. These people are important, I would not choose to live without them. But, I don’t need a reminder of staying alone as a setback in life. I do not know why concerns eventually suffocate me, but I have a feeling that I allow it to happen. Meena Kandaswamy, in her book When I Hit You Or, A Portrait of the Writer as A Young Wife, says, “Don't let people remove you from your own story. Be ruthless, even if it is your mother [emphasis in original].” The quote had hit me too hard. I have always cared too much; I have never been able to walk away from people. I have allowed peoples’ decision for their lives shape mine.  

I feel like a coward, someone who hides behind her words. I speak so much and sometimes people believe me. It is awful when they decide to see me through my words. Had I known myself so well, I wouldn’t have been speaking at all. I have a fear of being alone, honestly. I have felt invisible for the most part of my life and I had been desperate to fight it, to make myself visible. I think that’s where it all went wrong. I felt so invisible that I assumed whoever I am is just plain ass wrong. So, I told everyone what they needed to hear to see me. They saw my words and I remained invisible, nonetheless.

Source - Instagram. Sometimes you need to read the most obvious things.

So, last night when I decided my priorities for today, trying to be visible wasn’t one of them. The idea of not being answerable to anyone is liberating. I repeat, I haven’t shut out people from my life; I just took away their agency to affect my day over things that don’t really matter. It might bother them for a while, but they’d understand. I am not sorry, for the first time in forever. I’d like to embrace my invisibility now than fight it for the rest of my life by convincing myself that I am a million other things.

The absence of all day conversations, because we have instant messaging services, allows me to sleep. I don’t want to talk about what I ate, what I wore, or when I slept. I’d talk if something bothers my people, if they aren’t able to sleep, if they need to know whether or not I am still there for them. Because, I will be, in whatever way possible.

Saturday is the day I look forward to as the week goes by.
It’s a start. For better or worse.