The need to move on.. The need to let go..
Ever since I broke down that night, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Not really. I have been avoiding thinking.
That was the worst I could have seen of myself. I had never thrown things. Every time I am angry, I remind myself that I can not break things. But that night I did.
But I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I was broken. He said why am I letting a third person come between us. But wasn't he the one who brought her in?
He makes it seem as if I am wrong. But I wasn't. He should have considered how I feel. He did. But he did it the wrong way. He lied.
He let me know once the damage was done. I should have appreciated him for his honesty. Maybe? I did in fact. He broke my trust. He broke my belief. And he said I am bringing the third person in.
What was I supposed to do? I still feel I should have left irrespective of what I wanted. My weakness took over me. How do I tell him?
I want him. I love him. I do not want to leave him. But a voice inside me says that I should. Because I can not deal with the pain of who I have become. He understands but does he?
I am unable to handle what we have. He is at step one, I am at twenty five. And I cannot go back. I tried to but I can't. I care for him. He needs to know it.
Leaving would break us both. But it is not the end of the world. We will find our ways to cope with it. We will survive. We will live again eventually.
I am becoming everything I never wanted to be. I don't like it. I get him. But I am losing myself. I am losing everything I valued about myself.
I am incapable of being with anyone. I can be with someone like me. We are not alike. We are wormholes apart. Not even poles. We are trying to find a common ground, or at least I am.
He loves me. I doubt not this. I love him too. I do not doubt this either. But our priorities are different. Deep down I want to be a strong independent woman. Right now I am the weakest girl on earth.
I try to forget. But I keep going back to the moment when I lied on the floor. I was staring at my wrist and wondering if I could cut it. I remembered the time when my friend said that he didn't commit suicide because he was reminded of his family.
My parents voice echoed in my ears, she will never commit suicide no matter what. That was the moment of realisation of what I have become.
He brings out the best in me but that night he brought out the worst. I had lost myself. I wanted myself back. I couldn't have it with him. I am too attached already. I had to go away.
I tried to but somewhere I wanted to stay. He made me stay eventually. I liked it. I do not want to hurt him. But I can't make my wounds deeper.
He has made me happier than anyone else ever has. But he has made me sadder in a similar way. I miss my carefree laughters. I can think only about my fear.
I am not the girl he fell in love with. I am just the body. The girl in me has changed. I cannot get over certain things from past. Broken trusts, raw wounds. Time applied a protective layer. But it did not heal.
He says things will be fine. I would like to believe it. But I can't. He says leaving isn't a solution for every fight a couple has. But he doesn't acknowledge the relationship.
What do I do? He calls me closer, he makes me go away. He needs to sort out his priorities and so do I. Do we belong together or are we forcing each other?
It isn't about the third person. We have been fighting for months now. We do have our moments of happiness but those are shrouded by something. Something undefined.
Sometimes I feel I need to leave. Sometimes I feel I should leave.
Sometimes I feel I want to feel the want to leave.
So do I want to leave?
I don't know how to live with fear. I don't know how to be happy and carefree again. I know that I am looking for an escape. But will that help me or ruin me?
Our love will never end. But we will.
Someday. Somehow.
Forever doesn't exist. Even if it does, we aren't meant for it.
My love will not change, his lust wouldn't either. The more I write the more i feel the need to escape. This is not about him. This is more about me. I can't hurt myself.
Someday when I am stronger, things will spark up between us again. But tonight, I sleep with uncertainty. I want to let go. Just let it all go. My fear, my pain, my annoyance.
Good night
Ever since I broke down that night, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Not really. I have been avoiding thinking.
That was the worst I could have seen of myself. I had never thrown things. Every time I am angry, I remind myself that I can not break things. But that night I did.
But I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I was broken. He said why am I letting a third person come between us. But wasn't he the one who brought her in?
He makes it seem as if I am wrong. But I wasn't. He should have considered how I feel. He did. But he did it the wrong way. He lied.
He let me know once the damage was done. I should have appreciated him for his honesty. Maybe? I did in fact. He broke my trust. He broke my belief. And he said I am bringing the third person in.
What was I supposed to do? I still feel I should have left irrespective of what I wanted. My weakness took over me. How do I tell him?
I want him. I love him. I do not want to leave him. But a voice inside me says that I should. Because I can not deal with the pain of who I have become. He understands but does he?
I am unable to handle what we have. He is at step one, I am at twenty five. And I cannot go back. I tried to but I can't. I care for him. He needs to know it.
Leaving would break us both. But it is not the end of the world. We will find our ways to cope with it. We will survive. We will live again eventually.
I am becoming everything I never wanted to be. I don't like it. I get him. But I am losing myself. I am losing everything I valued about myself.
I am incapable of being with anyone. I can be with someone like me. We are not alike. We are wormholes apart. Not even poles. We are trying to find a common ground, or at least I am.
He loves me. I doubt not this. I love him too. I do not doubt this either. But our priorities are different. Deep down I want to be a strong independent woman. Right now I am the weakest girl on earth.
I try to forget. But I keep going back to the moment when I lied on the floor. I was staring at my wrist and wondering if I could cut it. I remembered the time when my friend said that he didn't commit suicide because he was reminded of his family.
My parents voice echoed in my ears, she will never commit suicide no matter what. That was the moment of realisation of what I have become.
He brings out the best in me but that night he brought out the worst. I had lost myself. I wanted myself back. I couldn't have it with him. I am too attached already. I had to go away.
I tried to but somewhere I wanted to stay. He made me stay eventually. I liked it. I do not want to hurt him. But I can't make my wounds deeper.
He has made me happier than anyone else ever has. But he has made me sadder in a similar way. I miss my carefree laughters. I can think only about my fear.
I am not the girl he fell in love with. I am just the body. The girl in me has changed. I cannot get over certain things from past. Broken trusts, raw wounds. Time applied a protective layer. But it did not heal.
He says things will be fine. I would like to believe it. But I can't. He says leaving isn't a solution for every fight a couple has. But he doesn't acknowledge the relationship.
What do I do? He calls me closer, he makes me go away. He needs to sort out his priorities and so do I. Do we belong together or are we forcing each other?
It isn't about the third person. We have been fighting for months now. We do have our moments of happiness but those are shrouded by something. Something undefined.
Sometimes I feel I need to leave. Sometimes I feel I should leave.
Sometimes I feel I want to feel the want to leave.
So do I want to leave?
I don't know how to live with fear. I don't know how to be happy and carefree again. I know that I am looking for an escape. But will that help me or ruin me?
Our love will never end. But we will.
Someday. Somehow.
Forever doesn't exist. Even if it does, we aren't meant for it.
My love will not change, his lust wouldn't either. The more I write the more i feel the need to escape. This is not about him. This is more about me. I can't hurt myself.
Someday when I am stronger, things will spark up between us again. But tonight, I sleep with uncertainty. I want to let go. Just let it all go. My fear, my pain, my annoyance.
Good night
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