It is kind of devastating when a
random person walks up to you and speaks the truth you were running away from.
How can a person spending most of the time of the day with you not know your
insecurities but a stranger gets it. It shatters you. You thought that you had
been doing your part well. You thought that no one knows what’s within you but
then suddenly out of nowhere a stranger comes and asks you to answer honestly
if you’re happy with yourself or not. And no matter how much you laugh in the
front your face then shows the truth. You can’t meet their eyes because you’re
afraid that the beans will be spilled. Or worse, you may just have an emotional
break down or an outburst. Everything that you had kept hidden within you may
just be found out. It’s devastating to know that your mask failed you and you
did not play it well. Everything you were running away from surrounds you from
every single direction leaving no space for you to breathe, to let the sunshine
in. It is dark and you do not know what to do. You want to escape may be
because you don’t want to face your fears. Escaping is never a solution but it
gives you time to think about the dilemma.
Your eyes become the door to your
soul. The whole pathway becomes as clear as crystal and anyone can easily hit
you on your hot spots or the soft corners where your deepest secrets lie. And
no matter how hard you try you can’t stop them. All you can do is not meet
their eyes for some time. But again when you can’t look them in the eyes, you
give them the surety that you’re having something that you do not want to let
go of. It gets worse when they say that it’s like you have been hiding something
for a really long time now. Words do not come out of your mouth. But your brain
shouts, ‘STOP IT. If you really think that I have been running away from
things, if I have been hiding something then let it just lie there the way it
has been. You can see I am not the happy go lucky person now. In a couple of
minutes you changed everything for me. Why do you have to go on and not stop?”
It is devastating to know that all
the layers you had upon you have melted. It feels terrible. When you’re not
ready to admit your flaws, someone detached from your body mind and soul speaks
up! It pains. And you try to put your mask on again, but you can’t. The bandaged
wounds have been exposed. And they hurt; the pain is as severe as that of
burning. Maybe worse. It isn’t the physical parts being burnt but the
vulnerable emotional ones, where people unintentionally put a lot of ocean salt
to worsen the wound. They say that they want to help you, they are not lying.
But what they don’t understand is that you’re not ready to accept certain things.
Problems are there. And they will pass. Sometimes there is no better solution
than to accept your fears and then only you have the capability to face them.
What is worse? You know the
solution to the problems but wouldn’t go for it because you’re afraid of losing
something or someone really precious in the way. Probably they were not meant
to be there forever but you love them so much that a life without them seems
unbearable and unimaginable. You would probably be ready to kill the person who
hurt them but you wouldn’t speak a word of your own feelings. Because you know
that they don’t feel the same way. And the little thing that you share with
them will be lost. And you’re not ready to do that to yourself, you’re not
ready to let go. You want your wounds to heal but do not realize that you are
the only one who is making it deeper. As in it would cut your soul into pieces
anytime now. And you do not want to get the bandages and heal. You want the
wounds to be exposed like a bare naked rock is to the oceanic waves. You want
to get hurt and more hurt every time now. It is a terrible thing you do to your
soul and know that it would be dead soon. You would just be left with a body
that eats drinks and sleeps. It would
speak some words here and there, feel something here and there but then
ultimately there would be nothing left of you! You would be a living dead. You are
simply messing up with your own self hurting people who do care for you a lot.
You’re self obsessed and wouldn’t care about anyone. You just don’t want to be
a part of something you don’t want to face. Your emotions, your feelings are
precious. And admitting them in the first place would have been the best thing
to do. But you didn’t because you were afraid, scared. They say it is never too
late. But sometimes you know that it is late. You can’t do anything to help
yourself let alone others. You can’t. But the question is if you knew you could
help yourself, would you do it after all this time? May be you’re still afraid
to let go. Or maybe not! It is a matter
of choice…!
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| Source - Google |
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