A couple of months back when I
was at Christian Medical College, Vellore for my half yearly checkups, my blood
reports showed an increment in the normal sugar level. It wasn’t high but it
was marginal, mostly on the higher side. It had been the same 6 months ago too.
I had considered myself lucky enough for not getting another bunch of medicines
for controlling my sugar level. But during the last meet, the doctor mentioned
that if the level doesn’t come down then I may have to take insulin injections
every night.
Needles do not scare me, they
never did. What does scare me is the thought of not leading a normal life or
what I think normal to be. Millions of teenagers may be suffering from
cancer in the world, but I do not really care or at least I do not want to. The
happiest moment during my CMC days was when my doctor said after the treatment
got over that “You’re a free bird now.” After four long years of medication,
injections, side effects, it was one thing that gave me the pleasure of
paradise.
Long ago in my innocence I may
have wanted to experience cancer but I never signed up for its after effects,
not the negative ones at least. I suffered from acute pancreatitis as fallout
of the chemotherapy. And I may suffer from it in future too. Now it has no
connections with the chemotherapy but it still keeps coming back to me as if
there exists some kind of a magnetic bond between us which turns on and off in
the course of time. Not that it upsets me, but I am just tired, tired of
suffering, tired of taking care of myself, tired of the fact that no one really
understands and I know I can’t even mourn about it.
I have always said that my tears
evaporate on their way from my heart to the eyes and come out as sad vapors
instead. However I cried that day when my mom said after meeting the doctor
that probably I have to take care of my food habits like my grandfather does.
She said that crying won’t do anything. What she may/may not have understood
was that a certain thought never left my mind-‘It has been five years, how much more? I have been an optimist, but I
can’t win over devil all the time because now I am tired of fighting the
negativity. I do not want to give a damn about anything and do all that I want
to do without any restriction.’
There is this wound called cancer
somewhere inside my head which is as exposed to everything as a naked rock. It
burns every time someone mentions that my hair used to be nice seeing my
tremendous hair fall now; every time someone says I can’t stay alone because
they can’t trust me, anything can happen to me anytime, every time I am said to
take care of myself! I know people care and worry about me and I am really
thankful and glad about their presence in my life, but then I just can’t make myself follow everything everyone says. For a little period of time I want
to be independent and see how I get along.
Someday when I am on my deathbed, I want to look back at my screwed up life and
smile at every mistake that I made on my own and not blame anyone. I just want to be a free bird that wanders off but still finds the way
that seems right to it in the end!
Sometimes you try your best but
still things do fall apart. A mere ache somewhere brings back the
idea of cancer. And the thought of
not being able to fight for a second time isn’t really something you want to
think about. Sometimes nothing seems right. You are tired of believing that everything happens for a reason and now want to know the reason. Sometimes you
just want to let go off your sad thoughts, but everyone expects the glorious
story of a fighter. Sometimes you just give up, not for ever but for some
period of time. You do not become a loser then but simply need a break to be ready to get back to the game!! Optimism
too takes a break, in case it doesn’t end!
And then you always come to the
realization that the solution to every disturbing thought is a blog post.
PS- Do not get the idea that
asking me about my leukemia would hurt me. In fact it is the one thing that
makes me happy and proud. But then just make sure that you understand where the
wound is steal healing and make sure to not sprinkle the ocean salt over it. And for the record, my sugar level is getting back within the normal range.
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