Flight journeys
I do not prefer. Something inside my skull goes wrong. Yet again, here I am
writing this from Air India’s Flight number AI 473 taking me from New Delhi to
Bhubaneswar. Well this is my first flight trip alone. The one reason why I was
excited for this flight is that it takes off from Terminal 3, Indira Gandhi
International Airport and my last flight from here made me meet the Bollywood
actor Ranveer Singh. I was looking forward to meet some famous persona this
time too. And also I feel like mentioning here the one reason why I like
travelling in Air India, the air hostesses aren’t beautiful enough and the
pilots are always hot and handsome.
But anyway I
did not start writing because I wanted to let you know about the above details.
Well, I had planned to watch the movie ‘Brave’ which I took from my friend
recently and here I am typing a blog post. [Seriously God, when will the day
come when my smallest plan would work?]
While waiting
for the flight to take off, I just took up the newspapers (Surprising! I am not
a newspaper reader) and found Yuvraj Singh’s article ‘Taking guard Against
Cancer.’ A part of me is always jealous of this cricketer. But anyway I started
reading the article wanting to know what he has got to say this time.
“The thought of dying can be frightening and
the possibility comes with its own sets of questions about the future. I
struggled with frustration, pain and doubt, in what was quite easily the
biggest test of my life- my battle with cancer.”
“…In fact to be honest many things hit me
all at the same time. Self denial- how can this happen to me? I had to deal
with both of them- the self imposed stigma and the fear of death. Thinking
about those days in hospital brings back memories that I try to block out even
today.”
These lines
struck me. Yuvraj and I both fought and won over cancer but our vision of it is
way too different. Even though I agreed with those parts of the article where
he spoke of being on guard and not ignoring the symptoms but I couldn’t make
myself to agree with the above mentioned lines.
I wasn’t told
in the beginning that I suffered from Cancer
so I had no fear of the C-word. The
thought of dying did strike me every now and then. But I wasn’t afraid to die rather I was more interested in imagining
what would happen if I die. ‘How long would my family mourn over my death?
How long would I stay in my friends’ memories? How would the then crush of my life react if he got to
know that I had a serious crush on him? Who would my brother fight with, how
would my father survive? Etc.’
Yes, it may sound crazy, completely maddening but this is what I used to think about.
Yes, it may sound crazy, completely maddening but this is what I used to think about.
And when it
comes to cancer, it made me believe in God. No, not because I prayed and
survived but because my prayers of suffering from Brain tumor were answered.
Yes, I was that weird kid who wished for tumor in every happy and sad moment
not knowing what it is but thinking it’s something interesting and new.
Leukemia at an initial stage was enough to make me stop asking for such things.
[:-P]
Never in the last
six years have I asked myself or God, how can this happen to me or why did this
happen to me? The latter may have struck me once in a while because I felt I
was the reason for the sufferings of people around me, my family. Only after
reading Yuvraj’s piece of writing, I realized that at least once the former
question should have crossed my thought process. But it hadn’t.
If you’ve been
through any of my previous writings about my leukemia then you surely know how
much I am in love with the hospital where I was treated. I have never tried to
block my memories; they are both sweet and sour. Sour ones I do not usually
talk about. But never have I wanted to forget them. In fact I am afraid that
with time those horrifying yet beautiful days are fading.
I had no
particular intention of writing another piece on my cancer. In fact my plans
for this 2 hour journey were to watch a movie, think about the friends whom I
may/may not meet again and obviously analyze my favorite topic- love and
relationships. And see how I ended up. It is just because I felt I am abnormal
[Serious Tone, no kidding] Weird because I never thought about death, the way
it strikes most of the people. Even though I dread suffering from cancer again,
I am not sad about the one I already suffered from.
This time I am
not crying in pain, not reading Eric Segal’s Love Story (which I did not like
by the way), not wondering about Ranveer Singh, Not watching Paan Singh Tomar,
Not worrying about the INR 1500 that I had to pay for extra luggage; instead I
am writing, something that I love to do. Though my mood has been serious since
last couple of hours, but I guess this journey I am not going to forget.
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