When I look back into the past, I see myself praising the after effects of leukemia or describing how leukemia affected my life from a positive point of view. Every single word that I have ever told/written in the past is true. However there were times when I used to romanticize the past but that wasn't often. If you ask me how I felt during the cancer and it's treatment then I do not certainly know how to answer. I know what happened to me but now the memories are blurred. So I choose to talk about the effect it had on me and my life or how it changed my life. But there's this one thing I never talked about. I probably had known about it all the while but hadn't really realized that along with the positive part comes at least a bit of negativity.
True, leukemia gave me a lot of things in life which I did not have 5 years ago. But there's this one thing that I lost within me... PASSION. Till my 14th revolution around the sun, I had a lot of passion to do something/anything to prove myself to the world. You give me a challenge and you lose, no matter what it's about. I was always excited, energetic to do whatever that was necessary to make a name. I was so damn determined that I had almost gotten rid of my stage fright. The word impossible did not exist in my life. You say that I can not do it and doing it becomes the aim of my life.
The power of passion has now vanished from my life. Now I feel empty when it comes to having enthusiasm for something. Yeah, I do try to live my life to the fullest but there's no passion involved.(Practically not possible). Today, you throw a challenge at me and you win before I accept. I lose before I try and the worst part is that I do not try. I came up with a theory- 'There were times while fighting against cancer when my chances of survival were rare and the passion to prove myself wouldn't have let me lose. So much of my passion and energy were then and there used that now I am drained out.' I do know that it sounds bullshit, it does to me at least but I now accept that I have lost it. If I had the zeal then these words would have never found there way here.
The power of passion has now vanished from my life. Now I feel empty when it comes to having enthusiasm for something. Yeah, I do try to live my life to the fullest but there's no passion involved.(Practically not possible). Today, you throw a challenge at me and you win before I accept. I lose before I try and the worst part is that I do not try. I came up with a theory- 'There were times while fighting against cancer when my chances of survival were rare and the passion to prove myself wouldn't have let me lose. So much of my passion and energy were then and there used that now I am drained out.' I do know that it sounds bullshit, it does to me at least but I now accept that I have lost it. If I had the zeal then these words would have never found there way here.
This may be disappointing to those who have always thought of me as brave. I am sorry, I could never think of me as brave because I knew along with the progress I made in my psyche, I have also degraded. I do not know if I am going to try to get back what I lost so I would not say I would try. I spend nights thinking about this, as in, if I had same fervor then I would have been a student in AIIMS today because that's what I said to the world. I have no regrets of not being in there because today I am doing something that I enjoy. Sometimes all I want to do is break free, get back what I lost but do not know from where to start.
Because I have often spoken about the positive parts of this journey, I thought that hiding the negative ones wouldn't be fair. So here is again something related to what I love to write about. And given the fact that now I write after pretty long intervals, I have all the rights to say that 'I feel good.' [:-)]
PS- There's actually something between late night writings and me [:-P]
Because I have often spoken about the positive parts of this journey, I thought that hiding the negative ones wouldn't be fair. So here is again something related to what I love to write about. And given the fact that now I write after pretty long intervals, I have all the rights to say that 'I feel good.' [:-)]
PS- There's actually something between late night writings and me [:-P]
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