The Cutting of my Long Hair... (Twice)

Probably most of my classmates would be thinking that I just got too inspired by Zitkala-sa’s story with the above title but I’m not. I actually had planned to write this a few months ago but never have my plans worked!  So you must be wondering what made me write this today, isn’t it? I was surfing TV channels a few days back when I came across a serial named ‘Ek hazaaron Mein Meri Behna hai’ where a girl named Maanvi finds her hair falling in clumps which I assume was because of the chemotherapy for her cancer and her thoughts made me write how it felt when such a thing actually happened to me.

Before chemotherapy started

If my brother isn’t wrong then I was diagnosed with Leukemia/blood cancer on 29^th May 2008- 8 days after I got admitted in the Q5North ward of ISSCE building at CMC, Vellore. Immediately I was put on chemotherapy. With the pain in my hands I was unable to comb my hair and it was my mom who would braid my hair every day. She started noticing the increase in my hair fall but she never mentioned to me till the day I saw it myself and I was devastated. If I did not know what leukemia is then it’s obvious that I had no idea about the side effects of chemotherapy either.

One day, just after a few days of my chemotherapy, my doctor- Dr. Leni Grace Mathew came for her usual rounds in the morning. I was on my bed watching TV or probably sleeping, I don’t remember. That day she had asked me, “Would you like it if your hair is everywhere- on your bed, your pillow, your food, in the room?” I had said no knowing what was coming. She suggested me to have my hair cut in a very patient voice. When she had said those words I was already in tears but I said no and turned around crying some more. She waited for me to turn back and talk to her again but I didn’t. All I did was turn my head and say “Bye” to her in a harsh painful voice. She still waited some more and then left. Today when I remember that day I feel sorry about how rudely I behaved with her. My behavior then makes me sad now.

Anyway I did not listen to my doctor and did not cut my hair and my mom was supporting me. But situation got worse. ICU remained my haven for 7 days (17^th June 2008- 24^th June 2008) for I was suffering from acute Pancreatitis for the very first time. When I came back to my room and the sisters shampooed my hair all I could see in the bucket was a thick layer of my hair above the soapy water, I felt the urge to cry again. By then everyone in my family suggested to have my hair cut but I still did not want to. In the end it was decided that I would have short hair instead of completely shaving off my head. But then the barbers knew much more about chemotherapy than us when it came to hair. The barber who was called by the ward suggested to shave my head because in the end that’s going to happen anyway. And this time my mom said yes after a lot of thinking. As soon as I saw my hairs falling on the ground around me I could not stop my tears and I could see the teary eyes of my mom and aunt in front of me too. I still have the pictorial memory of that evening and I feel like crying. Believe me that was the worst time of my life then but not now.

With my brother when he came to visit me in Vellore for a week!

Months passed and I kept on the scarf on my head always. And I wasn’t embarrassed of not having it at times… because every person there and even a stranger knew it wasn’t something I chose. In the early months I had completely uneven growth of my hair and the parts, from where the hair had fallen before cutting, were like unfertile land where no hair grew in the beginning. It was like a nightmare coming true but then continuous shaving brought them back.  There were days when I would think what my friends would think if they saw me without my hair but then it did not matter to me - all I wanted was to get my long hair back.

During the maintenance cycle.

My prayers were answered. I got back my hair during the maintenance cycle of chemotherapy. I was back at home with friends and all of them let me know how much they used to admire my long straight hair, even boys. When I got back my hair they were wavy- the kind of hair I always wanted but still missed my straight hairs. This time also my hair was admired and I guess it was not very obvious to have hair during chemotherapy because the sisters were shocked at first at Vellore. But I was happy and this happiness did not last long.

In mid-November 2010, my hair started falling again and this time I witnessed the fall from the very beginning and it was my decision to cut it off. I cried in my mom’s arms saying “why me again? Wasn’t it enough? But I have to do this again?” I remember crying myself to sleep most of the nights with this thought. So in December I got it cut and this time also seeing my hairs on ground made me want to cry but I held back my tears and said God, “Do whatever you want to but you can’t take something away from me which belongs to me.” And again I got to hear how lovely my hair was but yes whoever said so never ever understood how it was like to not to have them and how much it pained me to hear about my hair which was gone but expecting them to understand this was wrong... in a way.

On my 2^nd visit to Tirupathi in April 2011 I shaved off my head again and had a wonderful darshan of Lord Venkateswara there. After that my hair grew so well that I thought I was blessed by God. Today almost a year after my last shave I have my beautiful strong and straight hairs (admired by all) back. Though they are not much long now but they will be in future. 

Dr. Leni and I

In January 2012 when I visited Dr. Leni, I had the following conversation with her:

“This time your hair has come up just like before.”

“Yes”

“You remember the day when I said you…”

“YES”

“…that you have to cut your hair and you turned around…”

                “..And I did not talk at all”

Both of us smiled remembering the old days. There was an ocean of happiness in my heart that day thinking that how come she remembers everything about the past and that too about a spoilt girl like me. All I want to say is that when something is taken away from you then something better would surely replace it in some way. Never be disheartened at losing something; look forward to what you’re going to receive instead. Keep smiling and stars will align!