People who do not know what a chemo port is may Google it to get more details. As far as I know it’s a device that is put under the skin of a patient’s body by a minor surgery which is connected to the central vein and is generally used for long term treatment like chemotherapy.
Ten days after I was diagnosed with Pre B Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), on 31st May 2008, my treating doctor at Christian Medical College Hospital, Vellore recommended a chemo port to be inserted into my body to facilitate long term intra venous medication. Accordingly I was made to undergo a minor operation on 10th June 2008 to insert the device into my body which stayed with me for more than three years till my treatment got over. As I was being taken to the OT (Operation Theatre) for my first ever operation to insert the chemo port I was thrilled beyond anybody’s expectations. Everybody in the hospital including the doctors and nurses were amazed at my courage. After all it is not very common to find a patient going to OT with such hilarious expression.
I underwent the exhaustive protocols of chemotherapy amidst lots of ups and downs and thanks to my new chum, the chemo port, who made the excruciatingly painful therapy a lot easier for me to bear. Gradually I developed a sort of inseparable bond with this plastic device implanted in my body.
What I am trying to figure out here is not about how the Chemo port helped me during the three year long treatment but about the emotional bond that I shared with it.
On July 20, 2011, three months after my treatment was over a minor surgical procedure was carried out to take it out of my body exactly after 3 years 1 month and 10 days. I was really very sad on that day. Please don’t get me wrong. I was definitely happy that removal of this device meant that my treatment was completely over and I was out of the clutches of cancer. But I was sad- because during the 3 years of my togetherness with it the device had become an essential part of my anatomy. And now its removal made me feel as if I was going to lose a part of me forever. Can anybody feel happy to part with a limb or organ? And there I was with grief in my heart and a big ear to ear smile on my face when I was being taken to the OT for the second time in my life for removing it.
I could not share my grief with anyone as no one could see what was happening inside me the way I saw it. My parents and friends always reprimand me if I talk about how happy and lucky I have been to have such a disease and how much I love the chemo port. And believe me I never think my leukemia to be a disease or the port to be just a device. In fact I think them to be something which made me different from others. In fact I sometimes do not share my feelings because I fear they may laugh at it which will make me further sad.
A little part of the port could be seen under the skin near my neck. Whenever I was asked about it, I felt a kind of pride telling about what it was and how and why it was there. Now when I turn my head here and there , I don’t have the feeling of something being in my neck. And most of the times I find myself touching that particular area of my skin sub consciously to feel the port. And when I do not find it I feel really unhappy.
I have been told time and again by my family and friends that it was not a part of me. But my heart never accepts it. People who come to know about what I’ve been through feel sorry for me and I really don’t understand why.
Even today I have my feeling to myself but penning it down may help a little to lighten it. People will never look at my life as I see it and will never understand what the chemo port meant to me. But even today I miss my dear Chemo port like I have lost some part of me with the same intensity as on July 20, 2011. And probably I can never forget it throughout my life.
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